safe and still

current song: Keane - Untitled 1

I just finished playing a session of World of Warcraft with my mommy...

It's fun. I'm a hunter tauren, so I'm a big minotaur with a wolf pet. I'ma name him something dumb, like "Wolfie," or even worse "Thorny." Just because I can.

So it's 11:41 pm right now. I bet Daniel won't be done with work for a while. The campus seems pretty empty... Next week I'll pay the $20 to replace my ID card, and then I can come home next weekend, and I can go to the gym with Amy. And I'll call Sarah up next week, sometime, if I can remember. We should hang out... I missed out on seeing a lot of people during break.

I can't understand the lyrics of this song. I should look them up...

I wonder if I'm too selfish... I can never be sure. Maybe that means I am. Maybe it means I'm not. Maybe it doesn't really matter.

I won't go to Japan and Asia with Jaime this summer. I want to learn more Japanese, I want to stay in an apartment with Amy, I want to stay in Boulder, for now. I'll see. I think I want to go to Japan, but... not yet.

Maybe I should get a job this summer. If I want to become independent...

I have really good friends. It's strange... I fit into this group, into multiple groups actually, and... I feel happy. I feel like I belong. When I hang out with Cam, Jude, Spencer, Jaime, Luke, 'big' Amy, Chris, Eno, even the Kitt group when I see them... I feel... like it's ok. I'm just... part of everyone else. I blend in, but... without fading into the background. And even... Marilyn. I'm glad I met her. It was one of those things, though, where Don was playing with syrup and keeping the baby pacified (literally), and I was swirling around my empty water glass and sleepily squashing Daniel, while he and Marilyn chatted about... mathy things. I worry sometimes. I'm nerdy... but am I really that nerdy? Ah, well. Time will tell.

I think that part of the belonging includes... getting harassed. It's 'cause they accept me. I'm one of the guys. I'm female, yeah, but I'm... one of them.

I like the engineering center. Late at night, you can just sit there undisturbed. There's the odd student curled up on the couch, but for the most part it's pretty deserted. The lights are off... it's dark, with that little bit of light in the distance for comfort... I just put on my headphones and set my laptop on my lap and settle back on a couch. I can look out the window onto the cold, quiet night, and be alone with my thoughts.

It's beautiful...

hangover

Cam is so going to regret tonight come tomorrow morning... He's incredibly entertaining while drunk though... The biggest changes, that I could tell, was his lack of coordination, and his willingness to admit that Daniel had indeed come to him and told him that he liked me. See, when he's sober, he just clams up. I'm glad; it means I can tell him silly things and not worry about him telling anyone. But... when he's drunk, he... is a little bit more willing to ramble on.

The highlight of the party? Hearing a drunken Cam discuss how glad he was that Daniel and I were dating. Though Napoleon Dynamite was pretty awesome too.

There's more to say... but I'm so tired...

Vote for Pedro.

like dominique

I don't want to talk about it anymore... It's like... others don't know how precious it is. They just wreck it. They can see it, but without comprehending how wonderful it is. They can look at him without seeing how wonderful he is...

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...

It's good to talk to him, even as my world seems to be drifting apart... He pushes the pieces back together again. Maybe they'll stay someday.

Some days I just want to hide away, hide from everything, hide from the world, just crawl into bed and sleep and think and dream... But then I remember him, and I come back. I'm glad... It would be nice to pull away, but it wouldn't be real. I shouldn't escape from reality. I don't want to, really. I just think it would be easier... It's so... simple to fall into the trap of doing what's easy. But I know it's not really what I want.

One of these days I'll figure out what it is I want... and I think that when I do he'll still be there, waiting for me. It's a nice feeling. It's nice to know.

i'll be waiting there. i'll be waiting there for you.

at last

I didn't get to see who got hit 8888...

I'm tired. Very tired... I still need to do Japanese homework, and data structures homework, and gamelets homework.

It's 2:30 in the morning, and The Parent 'Hood is on our tv. Why?

Today Spencer finally figured it out. I came into the engineering center wearing a plaid flannel... He asked me why the hippie skirt, and then pointed out the flannel.

"Are you trying to be like Daniel, here?" he said, tugging on my sleeve.

"No... I'm not trying, this is Daniel's."

"Oh my god... Are you and Daniel... dating?" came his question, a horrified expression on his face.

I don't know. And apparently Jude only confirmed his suspicions yesterday...

The thing that bothered me was the way they both shuddered, when they thought about the concept of "us." Why is it a bad thing?

new beginnings

current song: The Stills - Talk To Me

So, happy new year, everyone. I'm making the terrible mistake of installing World of Warcraft onto my laptop. And yes, this is the computer I take to school. Eesh. But I don't get my own account; Mom expects that to limit my playtime some. I certainly hope so...

When I try to look up my textbooks online, the only book listed is for Comp Sci. That's gotta be wrong. No books for Linear Algebra? No books for Japanese? I don't think so.

So I got my grades back for last semester... B for CSCI 1300 (Computer Science 1: Programming [4 credits]), B for APPM 2350 (Calculus III [4 credits]), A for JPNS 1010 (Beginning Japanese I [5 credits]), A for CSCI 2830 (Computer Science as a Field of Work and Study [1 credit]). And I passed APPM 2450 (Calc III Computer Lab [1 credit]). Which makes my college GPA so far a 3.429. I'm pretty okay with that, considering I only need a 3.0 to keep my scholarships. I've never really been a straight A student, after all... and I'm pretty happy to have gotten more than one A. But, you know, that's just me. I'm sure I could do better, but that's what next semester's for. And it's especially good since I was expecting a C+ or B- in Calc and a B, max, for the 2830 class. And remember, children, pluses and minuses count in college.

Since Borders was having a "Buy 3 movies get one free!" sale, I bought 4 DVDs the other day, and went back three days later and bought two graphic novels and an EP (not an album, mind you, EPs are smaller and cheaper). The movies: Fight Club (I still need to get the director's cut, but now that can wait), Run Lola Run (gotta love the foreign films!), Powder (just for the heck of it, and because it was only $12.99), and What Dreams May Come (never seen it, but heard really good things, and hey, it was the free one). The graphic novels: Numbers one and two of Saikano. It was such a good anime, and I wanted to see what it was like in manga form. Plus, on the Saikano DVD's badly translated interview of the writer of the manga, it was implied that the endings of the anime and manga were different. I may have to wait a while for all the graphic novels to come out, but hey, it works. And the EP: The Stills - Rememberance, with Still In Love Song (from their album, which I already had), Kiler Bees, Talk To Me, and Still In Love Song [12" Extended Remix]. But it was only $4 and I love the Stills' album that I bought. Now... this is a lot of stuff to buy, and rather impulsive seeming, I'm sure, but... I have gift certificates! I finally finished off the ones I got for my birthday for Borders ($125 from my birthday for Borders alone, and I still had over $30 left when I got the DVDs), and since my parents gave me some for Christmas, I felt it was time for some spendin'...

Ah, I suppose I should plan my spending better... Maybe I should start a budget or something. Now wouldn't that be weird?