thanks

I happened upon the badger dance... rather frightening.

I didn't put up all the things I'm thankful for. Many other people seem to have done so. I wonder if I should. I am thankful for things, and for people. Just because I don't write them down doesn't mean I'm not. But I wonder if I ought to write them down, even though it doesn't change the fact that I'm thankful, because it changes how people see themselves or me, maybe. I don't know. Perhaps...

It seems like the kind of thing you see on an album, the list of people the band thanks. It just seems strange to me. I don't know.

Thankful...


• that my dad didn't ruin the turkey.
• that Let it Be...Naked is out.
• for DDR.
• for someone to dance with.
• for stuffing.
• that the mashed potatoes turned out.
• that I know more than I did before.
• for memories.
• that Uncle Scott isn't in pain anymore.
• for my parents.
• for baby pictures.
• for music.
• for medication.
• that I don't have to take it if I don't want to.
• that I have friends.
• for Nikki's phone calls and patience.
• for Baylee's sense of humor.
• for Alex's and Srav's sarcasm.
• that Megann always says hello, even when others won't.
• that Sarah comes to clubs.
• for Claire's calm presence.
• for Eric's insanity.
• for Chaffin's bad puns and philosophical debates.
• for Alex's guitar.
• for Amy's and Eddie's forwards.
• for Kym's texting.
• for Ivey and Melissa and their tolerance.
• that I can still email Stacey, even though she's graduated.
• for the juniors (and the sophomores).
• for weblogs.
• for the people that read this weblog.
• that I'm not alone in the universe.

happy thanksgiving

Well then. Yesterday was thanksgiving. My dad's birthday, as well. I gave him that remote controlled car, which immediately malfunctioned. We blame it on the batteries. We watched Kiki's Delivery Service, which was entertaining. Dad burned the turkey, but mom managed to salvage it and it ended up being quite tasty. I made the mash potatoes, which also, surprisingly, turned out tastily. The cranberry sauce was a problem, as I couldn't get it out of the can, and attempted to do so by using a straw to suck out cranberry sauce and then vomit it back up into the bowl. Ah, well.

I keep swinging between depression and non-depression today, and it's really very annoying. Ah well.

something to think about...

TEVYE
Do you love me?

GOLDE
Do I what?

TEVYE
Do you love me?

GOLDE
Do I love you?

TEVYE
Well?

GOLDE
With our daughters getting married
And there's trouble in the town
You're upset, you're worn-out
Go inside, go lie down
Maybe it's indigestion!

TEVYE
Golde, I'm asking you a question
Do you love me?

GOLDE
You're a fool!

TEVYE
I know! But do you love me?

GOLDE
Do I love you?

TEVYE
Well?

GOLDE
For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned the house
Given you children, milked your cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

TEVYE
Golde, the first time I saw you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

GOLDE
I was shy

TEVYE
I was nervous

GOLDE
So was I

TEVYE
But my father and my mother said
We'd learn to love each other
So now I'm asking you, Golde
Do you love me?

GOLDE
I'm your wife!

TEVYE
I know! But do you love me?

GOLDE
Do I love him?

TEVYE
Well?

GOLDE
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

TEVYE
Then you love me!

GOLDE
I suppose I do

TEVYE
And I suppose I love you, too

no pictures

I'm starting to get sick of this no pictures thing. I need more than boxes, dangit! And without pics, I don't know how!

Ah, well. Here's a rainbow design. Maybe it'll last for a while.

I'm looking forward to tea day.

Wheeeeeeeeee! Thanksgiving break! I give thanks, oh Lord, that you have granted us five days of solace from the hell on earth you have placed us in. Thursday is not only thanksgiving, but my dad's birfday. I got him a remote controlled car to torture the dog with. He really likes small motorized toys that he can use for chasing her around the house.

do you see the seashell?

Even if you do, it may not last long...

now it's time to say goodnight...
Good night
Sleep tight

Dreams, sweet dreams for you
Dreams, sweet dreams for me

cowie <3

what am I to do?

Today was mom's birthday. Friday was Hugh's and Nathan's. Thursday, I believe, was Nikki's dad's.

What am I going to do with myself? I feel lost, somehow. I have a feeling that it keeps happening like this, but I don't know how to prevent it or what would happen if I did. I feel aimless, purposeless, lacking a sense of direction. You should know what I'm talking about. Everyone's felt it at some point, I'm sure. Not knowing what to do or why, not knowing if anything really matters, not really caring, not really caring that you don't care. There's a vague sense that I'm missing something, and I think about the homework I need to get done that I'm not doing, or the college applications, or the people I want to talk to. Sometimes things just don't occur to me. I do what I'm doing because I don't see the other options, don't remember them...

#18

Yes, yes, I know, I need to go to bed.

My taste in men has been somewhat redeemed.

That time of year again

...when I start failing all my classes. First quarter, every year, I get good grades, but by the time second quarter rolls around, I just stop caring. It's aggravating. I hate school. I shouldn't hate it. I like learning. I like talking to my friends. I like thinking and analyzing my thoughts. But it just isn't working for me. I'be given up doing anything in comp sci. I've stopped doing history assignments. I haven't done any math since 12.3, and we're now up to 12.10. I think there might be a test tomorrow. And yet, I just don't want to do it. And I'm not making myself do it, because I don't want to. That shouldn't be enough of an excuse to not do it. But if that's the case, why am I not doing my homework?

Ah, well. I just can't wait to get out of high school. But after that comes college, where I'm even more independent. So, say I make it through college. What then? A job I don't care about? Doing things I don't want to do just so I can eat? Will I be able to force myself through 40 years of doing something I hate if I can't even force myself to do more than 10 weeks of what I strongly dislike? What kind of a life is that, anyways?

The Tragedie of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

To be or not to be - that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep -
No more - and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to - 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep -
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressors wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.

you can no longer complain

http://www.geocities.com/ekino_kirai/senior_pictures.htm

konnichiwa!

Over the weekend, we bought FFXI. It's interesting so far. It looks like it'll be fun, once I figure out the controls.

I also bought a 33-cd set of Talk Now! with 33 languages. It's quite exciting. Kind of. I was fiddling around with the German one, and learned some vocab. Bitte being one of the only things I can actually remember. Wait.. there's also zwei in there somewhere. And milche.

Of the 33 languages, there are maybe 10 that I want to learn, or at least, think would be fun to learn. They are: Arabic, Cantonese, French, German, Hebrew, Hindi, Irish (have to assume they mean Gaelic), Italian, Japanese, and Russian.

I came up with the idea for our TOK presentation. Yay! They liked my idea!

I wonder what it'll be like in college. Will I still find myself surrounded by people nerdier than myself? Or will I gravitate toward the less nerdy crowd, and discuss coffee, strange people, and temperature, instead of chess, grammar, and the matrix?

Apparently my painting is in the art display hallway place downstairs. That's kind of cool. No name tag, though, as Mrs. Brown didn't put one up. I remain anonymous.

something's got to give

It's just odd, that's all. I don't know. Maybe I'm falling out of love. I was never "in love" in the first place. But it still feels almost as if that's what's been happening. It hurts me less, and it bothers me more. I just don't like feeling like there's nothing I can do or say to make him want to have me around. And it makes it worse when there is someone else, who is willing to listen, who seems to enjoy talking to me, and even listening. And I can't blame him, because it's unfair to say he has to be happy when he isn't, or he has to be interested when I'm uninteresting, or he has to think of something to say when I can't either. And I don't want to blame him, because I do care, and when he's happy and when he says things he's so engaging and it's wonderful to be around him. But I just can't be satisfied with waiting for those rare occasions when he's happy and he wants me around. Maybe if there were more there, or something I could depend on, or something to let me know that he enjoyed my presence. And one of the things that bothers me most, not about him specifically, just about my life in general, what bothers me most is when things aren't changing, when they just stay the same and I'm not making any progress and there's no real promise that I can ever make progress. In a lot of ways, that's what I feel is happening. It's not fair to lay the blame on him; I don't blame him. But I can't let myself be miserable because I care about him, either.

Wow, that was long and rambling. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Because it's my blog. Sometimes other people will censor themselves if they get a lot of flak for an entry they make. Then they complain bitterly about how they should be able to post what they want on their own blog. I agree... but I think if you're going to complain, don't even censor yourself. Either make the decision to censor yourself, acknowledging the fact that your views upset other people and you care about other people enough to modify what you put on your blog. Or keep up your post and deal with the fact that some people will not like what you put up there... Of course, since I always came too late to see what the offending posts were, I guess I can't make an informed decision... Ah, well. C'est la vie.

aaaaaaaaaaaaargh

current mp3: 12 variations on 'Ah, vous dirai-je maman' - mozart (aka Twinkle Twinkle Little Star mozart-style)

*stabs the history homework*

Well, joy. At least tomorrow's a Wednesday, so I can sleep in a whole half hour. That's right! I can wake up at 5:30! Isn't that wonderful?

I still don't have chapters 6 & 7 done for science... I'm starting to feel bad, because I slack off on the homework in that class, and Fox thinks it's because I don't care. Which may be true. But, still, I like that class better than some of my other classes, though. Maybe.

I learned something about perl today... that was fun. For some people, there are certain things you can talk about with them and you're almost guaranteed to have fun. I especially love talking to my nerds (they're mine! all mine!) about computer games or programming or quantum physics or things like that. Although I also love talking to the normal IB people (still probably more nerdy than 90% of the population) about rabid squirrels and getting high on cough drop medication. Or whatever else.

I still don't get the grammar club t-shirts.

I now have numbers 1-5 on my ladder at broad-minded. Now I have to wait while Anthony fixes his code. .... done yet? No? ... how about now? ... how about now? ... how about now? ...

It's only two days after school's back in session and I already need another break.

yatta, ne

... I should be in bed by now, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Today was a good day. I attempted to explain part of it to Claire on the way to English, but I don't think she understood. Perhaps it was the phrasing. To be more precise, he walked with me. I really appreciate walking somewhere and having a boy notice me enough to talk to me while I do. So that's the explanation for that particular happiness. But, I was also happy about senior pictures (baylee and kym!), the conversation in physics (kill bill is, indeed, awesome), computer science class (sometimes flirting with juniors and non-IB nerds can be fun, too!), lunch (hoorah for fake documentaries), history (jokes, pop rocks, weird notes and pizza purchasing), and the ever-popular Knowledge Bowl. Sarah commented on my "fondness", as is apparent on here. The joy. It is true, though. And Katsnelson thought it was strange. Ha! He's probably better liked by me than he knows, but he's still only number four... The best part was probably being claimed, without even having to do the claiming. Yesss! That was awesome. Makes me feel special. And the fact that I was on the team with two of the smart people (there are three) didn't hurt, nor did the fact that we won free chipotle. Mmm...

So, I hope the bunny feels better tomorrow. Boys can be very evil, but as far as my experience today went, they can be very nice sometimes too. Sickness is icky, but hopefully Sailor Moon will help. I'll even do the Cartman voice, for your benefit. "Screw you guys! I'm going to bed!"

depression, bloodshed, and bad candy

Thursday
My parents fought. Dad threatened divorce, like he always does. I turned off SSX without saving. My mother and I pondered the meaningless of our lives. As always, a cheerful day.

Friday
All candy purchased was icky to discourage candy gorging. Dressed somewhat like Rinoa. Wrong colors, but oh well. And I refused to wear the dumb denim skirt and spandex shorts. Still, with socks and a ribbon on the arms, it was cool. Kill Bill was lovely. As was noted by my companion, the music was quite trippy. Too braindead to figure out the symbolism, though.

He did call... but I was going to the movies. It was nice that he called, although I kind of poked him into it... Meh. Oh well. I don't really regret that I went to the movies instead, though, as it was hella fun. Yes, hella.

Saturday
Attempts to read East of Eden and work on DBQ resulted in restlessness. Forbidden SSX-ing resulted in extreme depression. Food helped, but not entirely. Dad came home and demanded I work only on reading East of Eden. The result was depression. Food, again, helped. Came home and was forced to read again, resulting in depression. Book became more interesting, resulting in complacency. Nikki called, resulting in contentment.