something's got to give

It's just odd, that's all. I don't know. Maybe I'm falling out of love. I was never "in love" in the first place. But it still feels almost as if that's what's been happening. It hurts me less, and it bothers me more. I just don't like feeling like there's nothing I can do or say to make him want to have me around. And it makes it worse when there is someone else, who is willing to listen, who seems to enjoy talking to me, and even listening. And I can't blame him, because it's unfair to say he has to be happy when he isn't, or he has to be interested when I'm uninteresting, or he has to think of something to say when I can't either. And I don't want to blame him, because I do care, and when he's happy and when he says things he's so engaging and it's wonderful to be around him. But I just can't be satisfied with waiting for those rare occasions when he's happy and he wants me around. Maybe if there were more there, or something I could depend on, or something to let me know that he enjoyed my presence. And one of the things that bothers me most, not about him specifically, just about my life in general, what bothers me most is when things aren't changing, when they just stay the same and I'm not making any progress and there's no real promise that I can ever make progress. In a lot of ways, that's what I feel is happening. It's not fair to lay the blame on him; I don't blame him. But I can't let myself be miserable because I care about him, either.

Wow, that was long and rambling. But it doesn't really matter, does it? Because it's my blog. Sometimes other people will censor themselves if they get a lot of flak for an entry they make. Then they complain bitterly about how they should be able to post what they want on their own blog. I agree... but I think if you're going to complain, don't even censor yourself. Either make the decision to censor yourself, acknowledging the fact that your views upset other people and you care about other people enough to modify what you put on your blog. Or keep up your post and deal with the fact that some people will not like what you put up there... Of course, since I always came too late to see what the offending posts were, I guess I can't make an informed decision... Ah, well. C'est la vie.