current song: on the way to the club - blur

Oh, yeah. That's right. It's a blur song. That you've never heard of before. And you know why? I bought Think Tank. Mwahahaha. I could have bought the limited edition with its four live tracks, but I didn't feel like spending $5 more for 4 songs, and there wasn't even a track list. Ch. Besides, this has some stuff on it too, or so it says.

I also found, and bought, Good Charlotte. The first album. So, that made me happy, since I couldn't find it before now.

Well, there's one song on the think tank cd which credits Graham as one of the writers.

We went shopping today. Obviously. First to camera store #1, which was unsuccessful. Then Old Navy to buy jeans for the trip. Camera store #2, also unsuccessful, but mum got paintshop 8. Then a luggage store where I bought a money belt, shirt, toiletries case... Then camera store #3, unsuccessful. Then we ate out at Bennett's. Then we went to Borders. Then we came home.

I spent $60 today, on the jeans (the part that wasn't paid for by gift cards) and on my two cds. That's a month's allowance. That seems like a lot.

europe countdown: 6 days

Well, I have four labs to do for monday, with the consolation that one of them will not be late.

Aaaargh, I keep not having people sign my stupid yearbook. I still need Eric, Katsnelson, and Chaffin to sign it. So far, the signees have been Kym, Allie, Nathan, Alex, Baylee, Srav, Megann, Claire, Amber, Stacey, Lorina, Nikki, Nick, Dan, Eddie, Jason, Ann, and Joel. 18 people. Maybe not a lot for some people, but it's a lot for me. I don't know, though. Things are different now, in a lot of ways. I've lost touch with a lot of the people I knew when I was younger and I'm friends with new people, too. I won't have Devin sign my yearbook this time. Most of the people I knew freshman year either: a) aren't friends with me anymore, b) have already graduated, or c) both a and b. I know more people now, though. I never talked to certain people at all before this year, like Katsnelson and Eddie and Megann and Jason and Srav and Kym and Allie and Nathan. Hmmm...

I still need to give Parsons those scented dry erase markers.

Thank god, my oral's over! Now I don't need to stress about it. All I need is to do those labs, study vocab for the final, study for science (if I'm not sick of it from doing all the labs), write the TOK essay, correct my mastermind program, come up with an extended essay topic, and get everything ready for europe. Wait a minute... That seems like a lot. Stressing commences once again.

Well, only two more school days, and one day of finals (for me), and then...

Oh, and don't forget the TOK essay I haven't started on, or even thought about. And the topics needed to be chosen for cold war paper and extended essay. And the europe trip, which looms ever closer. Damn. This time next week I'll be on a plane. That's not very reassuring since I still don't have everything I need for the trip. Like jeans. And a money belt...

Meh. I don't like homework, but it's my own damn fault for procrastinating so long... This oral's gonna kill me. It's too short and then it's too long, and it makes no sense, and yeah. Oh well. It's not getting changed at this point. And then there's the four science labs, none of which are even close to being finished, and all of which, I believe, have to be turned in by tomorrow. That's not happening either.

Oh well, at least I know that school can spoil my good mood as much or more than people do. Blech.

Mourn...

europe countdown: 8 days

Aaaargh. Today was a good day, sort of, but it's been quite odd.

My oral presentation is going to be somewhat crappy, especially compared to Talia's. Heh. Yeah. But, eh, it works, and I figure, hey. As long as I don't feel afraid to scream at the top of my lungs, it should be fine.

I'm running out of time to do my science labs...

Katsnelson is in denial of his womb envy.

The joys of TOK... today we read an essay on the matrix, went outside for a firedrill, and discussed party plans... but I missed those because I was carrying a box of books, on my head, to the english resource center.

I've been enjoying 5th period lunch. It's my daily dose of insanity.

I hate my stupid mastermind program, I can't get it to input the name of the person after they get a high score! What the hell!

7th period was quite fascinating today, I hung out with anna. Then she left to talk to Wilcox about her topic and Cagri came over and stole her computer. And refused to get up when she came back. So, that was fun, until about the last 10 minutes, when I started feeling pain... The pain!!! Um, yeah.

My parents and I went to office max, and I bought some smelly dry erase markers to give to Parsons, just because it's funny to see him smell dry erase markers.

Dad and I had a conversation/debate about improv, but I find that even when he's just talking, he gets really angry sometimes. Oh, well, it helps train me to debate better.

NO MORE HOMEWORK! NO MORE SCHOOL! PLEASE!

europe countdown: 9 days

current mp3: wondering - good charlotte

Oh, yeah... I stole my dad's good charlotte cd (again) but this time I burned myself some songs. So now I get to listen to them and not steal my daddy's cds. Although that does have some appeal.

Today was a good day. Yes, indeed.

Just be yourself... If people can't deal with your insanity they're not worthy. But seriously, if you have to change yourself to be around people, why are you hanging out with those people? There is always someone who will appreciate you even if you're completely nuts. And for every person who might like you better if you changed, there's a person who will miss the way you were...

I'm really glad I talked to people during 7th this time. I just said hullo to Srav and Claire and even though I couldn't sit with them, really, I talked to Nathan instead. Which was fun. Certainly much more fun than reading "201 Japanese Verbs" and feeling too insecure to talk to anyone and ask to sit down with them.

Hmmm... I have a lot of yearbook signatures (at least, more than normal, and more that actually mean something to me than normal) but there are still a couple people I want to have sign it. I really need to just ask and get it over with.

I love my parents. For different reasons, but, I love them both.

It's always strange. Yesterday I went for a walk. I walked for an hour and a half and it was quite soothing. I just walked from my house to quincy then along quincy towards buckley. I turned at the korean church, or whatever, and just followed the sidewalk. I was walking in a neighborhood. It was quite lovely. There was a teal house with dark teal trim, and a pink jeep, and a car whose paint had completely come off in spots. The top was all rusted. It was lovely. And then I started walking back, and about 40 minutes later my parents called my cell to tell me to meet them at quincy and argonne and we'd go to village inn for dinner. They hadn't realized they'd been talking for an hour and a half. I'm glad I went on that walk. Walking, I find, can be very cathartic, and even though things were very odd I was happy. You'd think I wouldn't be but I was.

I think I'll go to Boulder, because I think that will make me happy. Hopefully in my third year I can go to the university of madrid. And once I graduate college, I want to live in various places. New York for the excitement. Oregon for the rain. Japan and England for the culture. Hawaii for the snorkeling. All sorts of other places for the heck of it.

It occurs to me that I'll be leaving for Europe in less than two weeks. Odd...

current mp3: sumire (violet) - puffy amiyumi

I burned myself a cd with about 180 mp3s on it. I'll bring it to school on tuesday, if I remember.

Things are ok. There's really no reason to be bitter about things because the bad times never last long. Even if they suck. There are just as many good times as bad. And you can't have the good without the bad. If you don't have the bad, you'll never know the good is good. If no one knew what the absence of light was, how could they recognize the light at all? They'd just take it for granted... I'm sure I've said this thousands of times before, at least I think I have. Everything seems very familiar. And why shouldn't it? Life's a cycle. Sometimes it gets annoying, but that's the way it goes. I guess you could think of it as a wave, constantly going up and down but always traveling somewhere... Eh, who knows.

Maybe it's better to be unhappy, in a way, just because people notice more, but I think I'd rather be happy and not give people anything to say than miserable and get a lot of encouragement. I can make it on my own, anyway, if I just find something I want to devote myself to.

So, on Friday I didn't take any ritalin. Nathan actually found me less out of it than normal, just because I was kind of unhappy. I don't think it really matters whether I take it or not. Which makes me happy, in a way. Yeah, it might not work, but it's nice to know you're not fundamentally flawed.

I got rid of my counter a while ago, and I'm not putting it back. I get too dependent on knowing who visits my blog. Sometimes you just have to trust people on faith. I need more faith. I'll try to have more. It'd be a nice thing to cultivate. To have faith in people.

I finally finished The Stranger. Course, at dinner I wanted a break, so I asked dad what I should do, and he said "Read," to tease me, since he knew that was what I was trying to take a break from. But I did, I read, just not a school book. I'm on page 118, but I've been trying to read it for a year now and I'm only a tenth of the way through...

Maybe I just need to hang out with happy people more. That always helps. What doesn't help is hanging out with depressed and/or grumpy people, or being alone because of feeling awkward talking to the happy people.

I don't want to feel like an imposition, so I'll try being less shy but only for people who appreciate me. That should help, at least I think so.

Some things piss me off. Like, disorders. Pretty much everyone has one. It doesn't necessarily mean anything's wrong with you, it just means you don't fit the standards of society. I hate society. Every person who was ever worth something was screwed up in some way. Half the composers and inventors had ADD, most artists were depressed. Most creative people, like writers and painters and singers, are alcoholic or addicted to drugs. Almost everybody's got something majorly wrong with their body or mind. So they make you take pills to make up for it. I might not mind so much if I thought the ones they gave me helped at all. But they really don't seem to. And when my mom takes them, I hate it. It's awful to be around her because she's not impulsive anymore, and she doesn't pay you any attention, and she isn't insane and spontaneous and fun. So that sucks. Who needs that? Why do I have to change myself because supposedly I have a disease that prevents me from doing what I'm supposed to? Why can't we just be happy with our screwed up brain chemistry and accept things at face value instead of trying to find a cure for everything? And who says things need fixing, anyway?

Some days... I don't know. It's ok, I guess. I kind of hate how dependent I am on other people. I want independence, not to have to rely on others, but I'm so scared I'll fail if I don't let others do things for me. So I basically live my life being afraid, and doing the easiest thing, which usually results in letting people do what they want and not accomplishing anything that matters to me. Psh. I think everybody must be basically the same though, because we all feel so separate and misunderstood, but look at all the ways we're the same. We go through the same stuff. It's just hard to reach out to people sometimes... I don't know.

I'm just kind of tired of not knowing what to do, and not understanding other people, and not having anything to really live for. I don't know what I care about. I guess, people, but even that isn't something I care about enough...

Today has just not been a good day. I'm pissed off because of various things and I don't feel particularly loved. It's not anyone's fault, I'm just in a bad mood and I did some stupid things today that didn't help. It pisses me off, though. Some days, it's great, you have friends, you're just happy... And other days life sucks. I don't know what it is.

Today was a really good day...

I turned in my proposal for the lit oral, so that's done, or at least, that part of it is. In science, I only have two missing assignments (well, I also have to do the three labs that aren't technically late... yet) so my grade has risen to a C. Not bad. I believe at one point it was 17 % or something, so that's pretty good, I'm thinking. It'd be easier if I understood stupid chapter 19. Ugh. I STILL don't get it, dammit. And I'm not liking the magnetism-force-current-torque lab, either. History, I'm all done (well, except for next year's internal assessment) and today Chaffin, not having chem, joined us in the library, and it was quite entertaining to listen to him and Katsnelson arguing, with Sean interjecting the occasional "My head hurts, why do we have to talk about TOK things when we're not in TOK?" and "Propaganda is boring. NATO is boring. What's that? Japan? Boring." Then in TOK, we talked some about the rules the idiot school plans on imposing on us. No food, no gum, no hats, no water bottles, no cd players, no jerseys, and Eddie says maybe even no jeans. What the hell? When I get around to it I'ma write an angry letter, or something, to the principal, or something. And, you know, if they do impose these rules I'm breaking them. Like hell I'm not going to do what I want, it's high school, not middle school, and unless they have a bloody good reason for taking away our rights I don't care what they do to me. Not like they can arrest me. Psh.

Anyways, after that was the 5th period lunch table, where Corey and the girls were discussing world domination and the genocide of all males (save J.J.), and Chaffin, Joel, and Eric were talking about philosophy. Umm, yeah...

6th I worked on my mastermind program. Stupid Nick. "I got it done in 5 minutes! Why are you so slow?" Whatever. I haven't even finished coding everything I want to be in there, much less debugged it, but really, I debug as I go, so... 7th was much better than normal. Instead of wandering around the school for 45 minutes, not wanting to go to Spanish since it's f'ing boring in there, I went to the library... and my timing was perfect, or something, because as I'm going in Chaffin and Eddie come out. Nice. So we all head off to see Dr. Lane - Chaffin to talk about creating a club, me to pick up another copy of the paper we got for the Europe trip, and Eddie to prevent the onset of boredom. But basically we spent all period talking about this club idea. It sounds so awesome.

Well, after that Nikki's mum took me home (and she bought me Chipotle! yay!!) and Nikki stayed at my house and we played Animal Crossing. It's really fun, but she was having a wee bit too much fun putting in parts of my personal life. Thank you oh so much, Nikki. Ch. But it was quite fun, regardless. Hooray!

So, yeah, I need to try to figure out chapter 19, or something, or I don't get to play any more Animal Crossing... Sniff.

Since some of you peoples appear to be confused by my last entry...

Um, ok. I like him... if he doesn't like me, it's ok. I can deal. But I'm not going to expect anything unless he shows that he's interested. And if he's not, it's ok.

Ok. That better? Probably not.

Parkas, middle names, lovers, and armadillos. What the hell.

Mom thinks I should go for Katsnelson. "He's cute! He looks just like Jon when he was younger!"

Well, I don't know. If he doesn't find me attractive, I don't know that I care so much. I think I'm starting to understand how Nathan feels, even if only a little bit.

So, I got an 84 on my history folders. That's good. But I still need to do stuff in science, to catch up. And I still haven't found The Stranger! Nor have I decided what to do for my oral, which I'm doing next friday. Hmmm.

Powder's a good movie. Yeah. I liked it.

That's all.

I seem to have lost The Stranger. Kind of hard to finish a book when you can't find it...

Damned history folders. Course, it's my own fault if they're not done by now. Eh, too bad.

I wish we could talk more. Kind of hard when he doesn't show up to school, though. *cough*

Nikki, thankfully, seems to have recovered from the not going to prom thing. And the last japanese club meeting is on wednesday. I doubt I'll go next year, and I'm pretty sure she won't either. I'm sick of Sakakura and nothing really interesting happens anyways. Maybe I'll go do other clubs instead, or do what I've always been fond of doing, showing up to various clubs randomly, whenever I feel like it. That's always fun. And maybe I'll show up at that paint club more. I only went to two meetings this year, and it was kind of fun.

I'll bring pictures tomorrow. I seem to have a double chin on some of them. It sucks when a camera adds weight and your dad's shorter than you, so he always points the camera UP at you.

current mp3: inside of love - nada surf

It was fun. But dinner was the best part. Just because we talked, and it was nice. It was lovely. When I'm with him, I feel like it's ok to say and think whatever comes to mind. And he'll understand. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's still a nice feeling. And when we got to the dance, it was fun to sit outside, and look around, and just be there. And buying 44 leis, that was fun too. It was... good. And whatever happens now, I don't mind. Because I'm happy. An odd feeling, to be happy without being frantic or spacey or hyper. It's nice, it really is.

current song: you were right - badly drawn boy

Well, things are ok. Hopefully things will work out alright. Sometimes you just have to hope for the best and not worry about things going wrong. As hard as it is.

Things go right just as much as they go wrong. I got my ACT scores back and I did really well. Parsons liked my world lit paper. I think I did ok on the first part of the history final, and on the science test on nuclear reactions. The AP tests weren't too bad. I have friends. So even though I can't find motivation and I can't find anything in school to care about, I'll be fine. There are other things and somehow I'll make it through. I just have to do what feels right. Not what I want, exactly. Because I don't always want what's good for me. I want things to be easy. But what's right - what's right is what satisfies. And sometimes it's hard, but it's better in the end.

Tomorrow is, in a way, just another day. And whether it turns out well or not, I will still be here afterwards...

I'm not going to Elitch's. Oh well. I kind of wish I had given my ticket to someone else, though. Seems like a waste.

I don't have any motivation. I want to find something I can be passionate about, something I can work for, something I can dedicate my life to, but I don't know what that would be and I don't know how to find it. And in the meantime, I don't really care about much of anything. I just don't care enough to get myself to do stuff. I know I should, but... I don't know.

I wish I were less shy...

Well, I feel better now... Less to worry about, certainly. More reason to be happy.

I need to talk to Amber tomorrow to see if she'll let Nikki be part of her prom group. That'd be good.

My homework to-do list is mounting, but thank god, no more math or spanish. Hooray!
- read The Stranger
- figure out the premise for my lit oral
- find connections between Caged Bird and the poem we got in class
- make the revisions to my world lit paper and turn it in
- do way overdue lab about magnetism and torque
- do problems for chapters 19, 27, 30, and 31
- finish history folders in time to take the final

Note that many of the above are for lit class.

Damn, what's area code 707?

Wow, it just occurs to me that the last time I ate at Yia Yia's was the time I sprayed a mouthful of water at my dad, and got him completely soaked...

Well, too many random thoughts for one entry. The rest will continue bouncing around in my head until they get tired.

So, today was Mother's Day. I finished Caged Bird. Made mum a card and gave it to her. Mom and Dad started fighting. Dad was screaming, it was lovely. So I ran out of the house and took a walk... Apparently I missed the "I want a divorce!" Joy. But, eh, things calmed down. Mum and Dad made up and we all headed out for dress shopping. We went out for lunch, and spent a whole bunch of time going through stores. But, I found my prom dress, and I'm pretty happy with it. Hopefully it'll look nice. I think it will. Now, I need shoes. Urk.

Damn, I need to bum a ride off someone for the physics thing on Thursday.

So, went through a period of minor depression. Then Nikki called, and I snapped out of it. It's odd. There are a few people who have this enormous power over me, to make me happy or sad. If they're unhappy, or they ignore me, I get upset. But if they're happy or they talk to me, every bad thing that's happened gets better.

current mp3: somewhere i belong - linkin park

I went to the study thing at school for the IB spanish test. We talked about subjunctive, and transition words, and relative pronouns, basically. There were a bunch of people there. Danny, Shaina, Hugh, Melissa, Jason, Talia, Meghan, Ben (Dova), Emily, Amberle, Akshay, and three people I don't know. Puja (I know of her, at least) and two other girls (don't know them at all, though I think I've seen one around school). So, a little over half were juniors. Interesting. Ok, not really.

Other than that... I have about 50 pages left in Caged Bird. We watched The Emperor's New Groove during dinner, which consisted of Chinese food. I've been coughing, kind of, but it's not painful. Mostly just to clear my throat. I've been feeling better. I'm getting worried about buying stuff for prom, and the euro trip. I'm worried about prom. I'm worried about the europe trip.

It's ok though. I think I can deal. And if not, well, it'll soon be over with, and the nervous breakdowns along with it.

I ditched today. Actually, I was sick, and my english essay wasn't done. I hadn't even read Caged Bird yet, really. Now I've read about half of it. I probably should finish it before I start the essay, though.

So, the AP calc test was fun, as predicted. The calculator parts were horrid, and I totally screwed them up, but the non-calculator seemed pretty easy. Course, I probably made a whole bunch of careless errors on the non-calculator since I thought it was easy... And, I got cheated out of some time on my calculator multiple choice. The stupid proctors don't know how to add, and they stopped us at least 5 minutes early. So, they tell us to seal up our booklets... And, oh! Wait, undo the seals. You have more time. I tried to undo my seal, kinda, but it wasn't really working for me. So I'm missing about ten problems on the calculator multiple choice section. Hopefully they won't invalidate our tests though. They better not.

Didn't even start one of the three free response calculator problems, but I finished the non-calculator part a little early, so I tried to do it without a calculator. Didn't really work, though.

Since we had that whole time issue going on, I missed the first 20 minutes of sixth period, so I'm like, screw it, I don't wanna go. So I talked to Katsnelson for about 5 minutes and spent the rest of the period wandering aimlessly about. I kind of wish I had gone... Then spanish, where Gibson yelled at me for spacing out and not getting out yesterday's yellow packet. So that was fun, too.

I am glad I'm not taking too many tests, though. Three will be enough, thanks. And next year I might just want to skip the whole AP test thing. Since I'll be taking 5 IB tests. Meh.

I hope I get to talk to him more at some point. These tests are not really helping matters. And the awkwardness is worse than before, and not knowing how he feels about me is driving me crazy...

I feel really bad for Nikki, since it really doesn't look like she'll be able to go to prom... She's really depressed about it, too, and I wish I could help her, but I don't know how!

I must admit, though... Staying home from school today was nice. REALLY nice. It's a relief not to have to deal with so much crap. And I probably would have grossed out a bunch of people with my incessant coughing. Anyways, all I did today pretty much was listen to music, read IKWTCBS and talk to Nikki. Very relaxing. Damn, I wish school were over.

current mp3: if i ever lose my faith in you - sting

Today was the AP spanish test. That was fun. Especially since I'm pretty sure I've come down with something. My throat's sore and my nose is runny. And then, of course, there's the questions about the environment, where I was tempted to go "Down with the environment! What we need is more buildings! Kill trees!" but of course I didn't because I was feeling uncreative. I did, however, use polución, which isn't a word, instead of contaminación, which is. And, of all days to forget to take a ritalin before school, but there you go. I don't think it affected my performance much, though. Hopefully.

Tomorrow will be equally joyful, with the AP calc test. I just hope that the 5 I got on my final isn't just a temporary thing. "Oh, well, you did fine in class, where it doesn't count, but on the test you paid 80 dollars for you got a 2. So sorry."

It's been a little odd lately. I know that things are different, but I'm not quite sure how. I think I'm afraid, but I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what of. But it's ok. Better, I think, than before, even though it is a little frightening. And mom keeps making fun of me, which must be a good sign. But of course.

I need to stop slacking about college stuff. I never signed up for the SATs this year, and as a result I get to take them in October instead. And apparently I need to pick two colleges to send my psat scores to, or something, and I can't really think of any. I mean, I can think of tons but none I'm really interested in. And they need to be in the US, too. Damn.

So, I'm going to prom with Chaffin.

We finished Spirited Away. That was fun.

So, still haven't asked. A summary of today's events:

English
Nathan: So, have you asked yet?
Me: No.
Nathan: For shame.
Me: Look, Eric bleached his hair. Teehee.
Allie: I'm so sad! Kym's gone! I have no one to talk about the Avs with!
Nathan: The Avs suck.
Eric: The Avs suck.
Chaffin: The Avs suck.
Allie: Shut up.

Physics
Baylee: So, have you asked yet?
Me: No...
Baylee: Ask him already!

Euro
Ginsberg: Do your work, or I'll beat you. Ha ha, just kidding.

TOK
Allie: I'm so sad! Kym's gone! I have no one to talk about the Avs with!

Calc
Matt: Where'd everybody go?
Ivey: I got a five!
Me: I only got a four. Damn... Oh, wait, I did my math wrong. I got a five.
Eric: What'd you get, Michael? Huh, huh?
Katsnelson: A four.
Eric: Oh. I'm sorry.

Comp Sci
Parnass: So, what types of computers are there?
Ann: Vaccuum cleaner?
Parnass: Uh, that's not a computer. Ok, what's the definition of computer?
*awkward silence*

Spanish
Gibson: Hoy, vamos a escuchar 2 entrevistas y 2 narrativas.
Chaffin: What's with the accent?!
Ali: *cracks up*

8th period
Gibson: Boy, do you have a lot of errors. Why don't you kids bother correcting it before you show it to me?
Me: Uh...
Gibson: Well, I'm not worried about your writing. But you need to get to the point.
Me: Oh.
Gibson: You ramble a lot, you should work on that.

9th period
Baylee: Me and Claire are going to be the best looking chicks at prom.
Me: Yeah! But I'm too fat to fit into my prom dress... I should buy a new one.
Baylee: So have you asked him yet?
Me: Still no...
Brandon: Asked who?

After school
Mom: So, did you ask him?
Me: No, not yet.

So... it was an interesting day.

Well, anyways. I'm feeling better now.

I watched most of Spirited Away tonight with mum and dad. That was really fun. That movie is so cool! Dad made us stop watching since he has to go to do improv. Blech.

I really don't know what I want to do for a job. I've always had computer programming as being my back-up job. The one I'd go for if I couldn't think of anything else. It's not like it's a dream of mine to be a computer programmer. And there are so many other things that interest me, I realize. It's just finding one of them, and going for it, and seeing if I can make a career out of it. Even though I may never accomplish anything other people will remember me for, maybe I can accomplish something that I care about. I think I'm going about it all wrong when I assess whether something's worth doing on the basis of how important it is to other people. If I just did things that I cared about, I'd be a happier person. And that means I don't have to rebel by not doing what other people want. Just figure out what I want, and do that. I mean, sometimes I wonder if the reason I don't do homework is because it's what other people want me to do. But if I don't think of it that way, maybe I can get good grades and do homework and still be happy. I mean, if I dismissed all the homework I found boring but did everything I thought was kind of interesting, I'd probably be doing a whole lot more homework than I'm doing now.

Maybe I'll be a physicist when I grow up. Or maybe an author. Or maybe I'll teach philosophy. Or something. I just don't want to be stuck with anything just because I can't think of any other options. Options are good. So maybe I will be a computer programmer... but only if that's what makes me happiest. Yeah.

Blech. My parents are fighting, I'm worried that I hurt one of my friends' feelings, I'm worried that another one of my friends will get her feelings hurt by someone else, I haven't asked and am really nervous about it, I hate this!

I hate the fact that it bothers me this much. I hate the fact that I can't make time to talk to him. I hate the fact that I might have hurt his feelings. I hate the fact that I don't know. I hate the fact that she's asking before me. I hate the fact that I'm such a coward. I hate the fact that my parents always yell at each other. I hate school. I hate homework. I hate trying for something I don't care about. I hate doing poorly because I don't care. I hate other people for wanting me to be what I'm not. I hate myself for not making people I care about happy.

I don't know, maybe it'll go away. It feels so heavy this time... Just anger and a weight pressing down. And I don't really care anymore. I'm just tired of trying. Always so tired of everything. The only thing left is sleep, and I'm tired of that too.

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I didn't ask today, either. I didn't get the opportunity. So now I have to wait all weekend, and it's already driving me nuts!

Another thing that bugs me: I have friends, right? Uh, hopefully. So, when I talk to them in person I get a different reaction from when I talk to them online. This makes me unhappy. It's one thing to express different ideas in different situations, but I don't like being able to talk to someone in only one medium. One of my friends, for example, is awesome to talk to during school. She's such a cool person and so entertaining and I love talking to her. But online if I try to talk to her it doesn't really work. Another friend is really fun to talk to online, but in person we almost never talk, and it's depressing to see him at school and never talk to him when I know we probably could. I'm probably making too much of a big deal of this, but it's kind of frustrating when you communicate with somebody in a certain medium, feel really good about it, then horribly fail at any other medium of communication. Maybe it's just that I suck at conversations. I mean, the best conversations I have are always me listening to people. So I can't really input anything. And in some mediums the conversation dies if you don't have anything to say. Eh, who knows.

I don't know if anyone has a crush on me, but if anyone did I sure wish I were less clueless about it. As nice as the guy I like is, it's really frustrating to sometimes not seem to exist for him. It would be really nice to be around a guy who actually cares.

I can't let myself get bitter though. Things really aren't that bad. School's almost over, at least. I just need to get a more positive outlook. Yeah. Something like that.

Meh!

I didn't ask. I should have asked, but I didn't. And I can't even use the excuse "I didn't get an opportunity" since I really had more opportunities than normal. Even if they weren't perfect. Aaargh. So, not today, but Friday. Unless I lose my nerve. Again.

And two people have said he might like me, but I don't want to fall into that trap. It would be hard enough to face rejection as is, without any expectations.

In other news, apparently Katsnelson looks like my uncle. Yesterday after the math final Katsnelson was waiting to be picked up, and so was I, and so he came over to talk to me. Which was fun. And my mom drove up, and once I got in the car, she said "It's Uncle Jon!" How very odd.

Shiny gum wrapper material is interesting. Kymberlee was sticking it on my arm yesterday during TOK, so I just stuck it on my forehead instead. But, apparently the sun reflected off it during spanish and blinded Alex. Poor Alex.

Since I thought the tok essay was still due thursday (as in today) I did it last night. So, I don't have to do it tonight. However, it is extremely crappy, so I don't know if I want to redo it or not. Wait, yes, I do know. I don't want to redo it.

Quarks have such stupid names. I mean, really. "Gluon"? And then there's up, down, bottom, top, strange, and charmed. And muons and pions, because they're represented by the symbols mu and pi. Jeez. Almost as bad as "google".