It's Sunday? How odd. That's right, now I remember.

Anyways, yesterday me and dad went to see a play. A children's play. There were all these really little kids in the audience. The play was "Casey at the Bat" or something like that. It wasn't bad, actually, kind of cute, talking about standing up for yourself and trying even when you're not good, all those lovely lessons in morality. The reason we went to see it was that my dad knew 3 or the actors in it from his improv stuff. And there were only 5 actors in the play. So, we talked to them afterwards, Ed and Chuck and Ashley. I'd seen Ed and Chuck once, when dad did a show with them, but I'd never seen Ashley.

Mum's been playing final fantasy 10 again. She started a new game less than a week ago and is already up to 90 hours or so. I kind of want to start playing it again... I don't have a game right now, since I finished Kingdom Hearts. Mostly all I've been playing is Project Gotham Racing. I always drive a boxster, it's great.

I should go driving sometime.

I'm starting to wonder why I haven't gone to bed yet... Oh, that's right. Somehow I started looking at random peoples' blogs and found JT's.

Perhaps sleep would be worthwhile.

here it is.

current mp3: sora wo miagete - you're under arrest

Ohhhhh.... I love this song so so much, but ever since my old computer died, I hadn't been able to find it. I could listen to this over and over and over again... I finally found a wma version of it at ~Kawaii Random Music~. The joy! *jumps up and down in excitement* I definitely need to find the cd this comes from and BUY it, immediately.

Nothing like a good old-fashioned graph done by hand. Especially after you discover that your computer can't do graphs for you. That's right, my crappy copy of word cannot make a stupid graph. And on top of that, I don't think it does spell or grammar check. My computer just sucks right now. I have an old operating system - windows 95 - rendering it impossible for me to download any upgrades to my programs, and sometimes just any kind of program. I screwed up MMJB but I can't reinstall it, of course, because the only version the website offers is for 98 and up. Bloody heck.

Ah, well, all will be well very soon, when I finally get my new computer... Yes, yes... mwahahaha.... *cackle*

Oh, but, I find it interesting that this is the first entry in a while to come before midnight. I am proud. Now, to bed!

current mp3: hikari - utada hikaru

Well, I've done 4 of my 7 math assignments so far. I can't do more than 6 of them, though, because apparently I've lost the practice test. Normally my utter lack of organization isn't that big of a deal, but occasionally I will lose something important and it's a big pain in the butt.

Having decided that the vanilla frappuccinos are superior to the caramel ones, I brought a caramel frappuccino for Nathan today, so he was really really happy. He bought me a candy bar... from Baylee, of course. I swear I've gotten at least 6 candy bars from her. Let's see... 2 crunch bars. A 100 grand bar. A butterfinger. Sprees. Butterfinger BBs (those were the ones Nathan bought). Eating all this candy has been making me feel kind of sick lately.

Today was fun... I think I'm seeing a pattern... When I stay after, and talk to my friends, it's a good day. Today 8th period was quite exciting. I rode around with Megann, to the 7-11 to buy drinks (water for her, and I got green tea!). It's really fun to go in my friends' cars. Although, I don't particularly enjoy being in the back seat. Front seat is awesome though. And then 9th I hung around with Srav and Ellen (is it Ellen? I need to learn people's names...) and also talked to Tiffany and Eve and Chaffin. Urk, but, my crush walks into the library and Srav goes, "Look who walked in." I'm like, yeah, I noticed. But then Ellen was curious, so Srav tells her who I have a crush on. What the heck?? Oh well. And, yeah, at the end of the period Claire and Baylee came back so I went with them down to the mun room... I said hi to Patrick. Yeah, and talked until, basically, Zuk exiled me and Lyndee. I was leaving anyways. Kind of felt bad for Lyndee, though. Ooo, and I talked to her too. Wow. And then I talked to Chaffin again. Quite a lot of talking. Lovely.

Hmmm... I always assume that the guy I like doesn't know, but maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. Seems obvious enough, to me, but then again I know what everything means, and most stuff would go over people's heads... It would just be nice, if he did have an inkling, that he'd talk to me about it. I don't know, that's probably asking too much anyways, and really if I wanted him to know I'd have to tell him myself...

Oh, and another interesting thing about 8th... Megann and I stopped to talk to Gibson... Scary, but. And apparently I started looking at the grades we got for our orals and she chastized me. All I saw was names of people and IB numbers. I'm like, Oooo... yeah. But, that was rather interesting, at any rate.

Gah, I need to finish some more math...

Some thoughts...

I'm a coward. I run from everything. Fear is my motivation. I'm too scared to face the consequences of my actions... If I haven't done my homework, sometimes I use my lack of organization as an excuse. But I find it terribly hard to admit to my peers or teachers that I'm imperfect. I have a lot of pride (too much, I'm sure) and I don't like to seem weak. I am weak, though. I'm not a strong person, and I've never really been one. But I don't want to seem weak to other people, I don't like the idea that I'm flawed. I know it's stupid, because everybody's flawed, but I can't seem to accept that. And there's always proof that it's within my capabilities (supposedly) to do better than I'm doing now. But, this fear I have keeps me from living a normal life. I've never been in a relationship, and I think it's mostly because I'm so frightened by the unknown - what happens when people know I care about them? What happens when people go on dates? Maybe... I should tell the guy I like how I feel. I don't know. It might be a bad idea, but, everything worthwhile is a risk, and it's not like this is such a big risk that it'll damage me permanently...

I like learning about other people. Not just normal stuff, but getting to see inside of them. Like, seeing what they think or feel and getting a better understanding of them. And then you apply it to yourself. And sometimes your whole perspective changes. I mean, your perspective changes every day, but not a lot. And it's fascinating to see how I'm different from people or the same as them. And to see how I'm not alone, that everyone feels the way I do. Or that I'm not as much like this person as I thought... Everybody categorizes the people they meet. But what if you were wrong? And later you find out little pieces of information that make you re-evaluate them. And you see things about them that astound you, sometimes.

Tonight I IMed Nathan, and we started talking about things... And I probably shouldn't have bugged him, but I learned something about Nathan, and something about myself, and something about the ways things work... You know, one of those epiphany moments. But, although he doesn't understand why, I feel sorry for him. I think because I see myself in his shoes (although I could never really know how he feels) and there's so much pain... And the worst part is that you can't escape from the pain, don't even want to. I think the best analogy would be for self-mutilation. People don't do it because the pain itself makes them happy. The presence of pain is a reminder of feeling. It lets you know you're still alive and capable of feeling something. I'm not saying what he's going through is like that... But I can't help but think of it as a form of masochism...

I wonder if I'm capable of love... It occurs to me that I may never fall in love. That's one of my worst nightmares. Even though I associate love with pain, I want to experience it. Maybe it's my definition of love though... Although, you can't ever truly define love. But I think, approximately, I associate love with caring... It's the deepest kind of caring you can have. If you care a lot about someone, if they really matter to you, if what they think, do, say, feel is important to you, if you care whether they're happy or sad, if it matters to you what they think about things... Hate is the same as love, actually, but instead of focusing on the goodness of a person you focus on the badness. If you really hate someone, it still matters to you whether they're unhappy or not, what they think about things, what they do, say, feel... If you hate someone, you delight in their anguish and try to find fault in what they support. But if you love someone, you're happy if they are and you search for the good things in what they support... But I can't decide how much you have to care for it to be love. It might be that you care about the other person more than yourself, so that you put the happiness of that person over your own. But I'm not sure that's really true... People in love don't sacrifice everything so their partner can get what he or she wants... And maybe it isn't caring at all... But I'm not sure I'll ever really know. Maybe, if I do fall in love, I'll figure it out, but...

A new method:

Instead of trying to find motivation, change your criteria for doing something. Say when you look at an activity your criterion is how happy you'll be immediately, at the start of the activity. This leads to slacking off. Who wants to do homework, which is immediately tiresome, when one could do computer games instead and be immediately captivated? So, change the criterion. How will you feel fifteen minutes into the activity, or, how will you feel fifteen minutes after the activity is completed? This promotes working on goals. If I play a computer game, eventually I'll get bored or start to feel guilty. If I work on this homework assignment, eventually I'll get involved and forget how awful it is. Or: If I finish a computer game, I'll just go, What now? If I finish a homework assignment, I will feel proud and satisfied.

Change your criteria to promote better ways of living.

Blech. I'm still not done with the homework we were assigned before the four snow days hit. Talk about slacking. But actually, if it hadn't been for the snow days, I probably would have it all done by now. Just because I would have had to. So now, I have until school starts to do 3 history assignments and try and get some sleep.

Ah, yes. Today I went to Boston Market with my dad to pick up dinner. And saw someone I knew from school working there. Then I went to see a movie. And saw a neighbor working there. And then I went into Borders. And saw someone from school shopping there. The joy, the joy.

Eh, well, for pretty much the first time since monday I actually did something productive today. I finished my first history assignment (the one due Tuesday) and did an overdue spanish assignment. And I went out with the dog. Which was actually quite interesting. Seeing as how there is no grass visible anywhere, as far as I can tell, and huge piles of snow, and half the sidewalks are buried. But the great part is, it's the first day of spring and it feels like it - it's warm, the birds are chirping, there's sounds of water gurgling as it flows by, past the huge white snowdrifts... Something of an odd combination. But hey, there's Colorado for you. And then going to the back and looking around at the half-buried trees and shrubs and lawn furniture. Yes, very amusing.

Eh, but, I also played Xenosaga for the first time today, and that was fun. Fun to beat people up, blow up things, watch the cinematics. Run around. All that good stuff. Perhaps I'll play it tomorrow as well, who knows.

I am actually rather happy that school is going back in session. Being trapped in the house with one's parents is not always the best way to spend a week. Even if it means you get to slack off. Plus, I know the teachers will be waiting for us with glowing red eyes, aiming at our hearts with pointy spears, poised to dump piles of homework on our writhing bodies. Erm... Yeah. I'm just a little worried there'll be a lot of homework is all.

Of course, I did get to see Nikki today, which is always nice. *cheers* Even if it means going to see Piglet's Big Movie. It was actually rather touching. The other denizens of the hundred acre wood realize that Piglet, even though small, is the glue that holds their group together! Hope remains for short people.

My god, there's no school on Friday, either. Actually, as nice as it is not having school, being trapped in the house is probably going to drive me nuts. I almost miss school, if only for the human contact.

But, a miracle that kept me from going crazy: we got out! My dad, the idiot/optimist that he is, was convinced we could make it out of the neighborhood if we shoveled enough. So, we shovel... And, he drives the car onto the street and out of the neighborhood. Lo and behold. So, we go out to eat lunch at Hops. Eating out was really really nice. Mom also has stated that she's not cooking anymore, so unless we eat out we're not getting anything good to eat. Since dad can't cook much. What he does cook usually ends up pretty tasty, but there isn't a whole lotta variety.

After the eating, we went to Aurora Newsland and purchased books and magazines. Yay. I bought Shonen Jump and Animerica Extra, both manga-collection magazines. As in, a collection of different comics... But, they both look interesting. Animerica Extra's got Video Girl Ai and Marionette Generation and Fushigi Yuugi and Utena, among others. Shonen Jump's got Yu Yu Hakusho and Dragon Ball Z, and a whole bunch of stuff I haven't heard of before.

I declare this a snow WEEK! Actually, we'll probably be back in school by friday. Hopefully not tomorrow. Please not tomorrow.

As you can see, my refined CSS skills are being put to use. Use? Yes. Good use? Probably not.

However, as much as Netscape baffles me, I've decided that this layout looks much better in Netscape than Internet Explorer. Simply because IE keeps screwing up borders. Why, I ask. Why?!

Ah, glorious snow day. However, I was unpleasantly surprised earlier this morning when I found that our net connection had died. A terrible tragedy indeed. Actually, today has been kind of boring. I almost miss school... This morning, I couldn't go on the net (finally discovered it was working half an hour ago). And all day my mom has been sitting in a chair in the living room coding terrain. And so I can't watch tv or dvds, and I can't talk to her for entertainment, and I can't help her with her program because I screw it up and can't explain right. So basically all morning I've been reading my css book (hug) and listening to music. Mostly Enrique Iglesias, because he's in the cd player currently and I'm too lazy to change cds. Bwah. Also probably doesn't help that recent events have been somewhat depressing. And I'm isolated from my friends, which makes me sad. Eh, could be hunger though. I'm heating up a shepherd's pie and it'll be ready in about ten minutes, so that's good.

Well, I'm done with my TOK essay... Eh, I give up on the other stuff. I'm going to bed.

Oh, I wanted to write down...

Gibran and Nathan are both awesome. Gibran, for *cough* lending me his AP book before spanish, and Nathan for wearing a green hair clip I brought to school on his nose. Even if it was only there for 10 seconds, before he broke it. And was sad because he wanted to play with it.

current song: pienso en tí - enrique iglesias

Well, I'll probably pay this week for the fact that I've done no homework whatsoever these past couple weeks, with the glaring exception of the three IA's that were due. But, I seriously want to hurt Ginsberg. Bloody hell, he expects us to do all this work for his class, the week an essay is due. Not only do we have 4 frickin outlines due between tuesday and thursday, he expects us to research the russian revolutions, write a 10-minute skit about it, memorize our parts, find costumes, and perform the play... on Friday. WTF??? In acting class I had enough trouble memorizing my lines in a couple weeks, and I didn't even need to worry about writing them, or other homework. I'll basically have one day to memorize my part, and on that day I will probably be scrambling to do all the other homework due Friday that I put off in order to do his bloody stupid world war one paper. *strangled scream* Graggh!

Eh, oh well, I'll manage somehow. Nevermind the fact that I have about 5 or 6 math assignments, 40 science questions/problems, 4 history outlines (grrr), multiple spanish assignments, and a tok essay to do this week. Oh, boy, now I'm getting too depressed to actually do any of them. The tok essay, 2 spanish assignments, 1 history outline, and maybe a third of the science is due tomorrow. Actually, I have a feeling the science was due last week... Hmmm. And, technically, I was supposed to have the tok essay done by Friday last week.

Oh, I just remembered, I wanted to watch Bush's speech telling Saddam that he's going to get his butt kicked by the US. Don't you LOVE our president? *pulls out flag* Go America! Bush is the best president ever! Iraq is going down! ... I guess I'll just leave the tv on. It'll probably be over within an hour or so.

I'm sure there are good reasons for the war, I just wish that our country wasn't run by someone who actually represented the general population. How would you feel if some high school kid ran for president and decided he was going to bomb Saudi Arabia because he didn't like its policy? I simply don't see an immediate threat from Iraq, and I still don't feel that we have enough reason to go to war. Since when was Iraq a threat? Since the 80s? What the hell were we waiting 20 years for then? Has Saddam done anything recently that merits war against his country?

In tok today, Sara got upset because people like Dylan and Yuri don't seem to understand what they're doing. If you look at war knowing that people will die, young people, Americans, not just Iraqis, and you still support it, I think that's admirable. But if you support the war simply because Saddam is a terrorist or Bush says so or war is cool, I think you have no right to voice your opinions at all. I don't know, I'm probably too harsh. It's just that I'm not sure that the 64% of Americans who supposedly are in favor of war, are actually thinking about the death and misery it will bring upon us. Us. Not just them. I, personally, don't really care about Iraqi citizens. I'm sure they're nice people; I don't know them. I don't care about them much more than I care about, say, a bunch of middle-schoolers living in Alaska. I do, however, care about me, and my family, and my friends, and my country. War is not a happy thing. It taxes the economy, the citizens, and the soldiers.

Eh, well, too late now. I just hope that, if anybody I know does go to war, that they don't die, and if I have to, and I know I won't be killed, I guess I might join the war effort too. I'm just not willing to put my life at stake. Of course, since I'm a woman, I doubt I'll really have to worry about that anyways.

Wow, stupid war. Now I'm all depressed. Ugh, and Eddie won't be going to Europe with us. And we'll all have to pay 200 dollars per person since now the group's too small.

Oh, great, that's another thing I forgot about. I have to research Florence for my presentation for the trip, which will be on Monday. Another thing to work on, another thing to worry about. Oh, and we have to buy I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings for Wednesday. And I still haven't finished AFTA or ASND...

Ah, well. My life revolves around the very big or the very small. Odd how that works.

Very nice. I have finished the history paper. 10 pages long, including the coversheet. And only 1900 words, once I realized that word was counting the bullets and removed them. So, yay! And, miracle of miracles, I can actually go to bed at a decent hour, if I so choose. Sweet...

Ah, cookies can fix almost anything...

Actually, I was feeling better before that. "That" being the time that I ate cookies. 4 of them. Mmm... cookies.

For now, I'm happy. My history essay hasn't killed me yet, either. At one point, I had about twice as many words as I needed to, but now I've gotten it down to a more reasonable length. All I need to do is write my conclusion and finish my whittling.

I seriously can't wait until I get my computer. One more month to go! Yes!

Eh, well, I guess my cloud of depression has moved on to go rain on someone else. Hopefully not the dog, she hates being wet. I guess for now I'm ok with being selfish. If all you do is worry about other people, you can't accomplish anything that matters to you. And, it's not like being selfish is the same as being completely isolated from other people. You still interact with them. So, no one can be completely selfish, and no one can be completely unselfish... I guess none of it is really important as long as you have people you care about, and who care about you.

Well, back to history.

I want to write, but I don't want to.

What does it matter anyway? Nothing changes, but everything changes. You don't have control, whatever happens. And you get stuck in a rut. And you keep getting pulled down, closer and closer to the darkness, and eventually it's just easier to let yourself sink down, than to try clawing your way back up. I know I'm selfish, but I don't stop thinking about myself. And everyone says to just take a pill, it'll make you feel better. It makes things easy. Better living through chemistry. But it just means there's something wrong with me, some flaw that other people don't want to show. I'm not perfect. I have to change myself to fit into society. Everything seems hard, but is it really? Not like I work near as hard as some people. But it wouldn't be any easier if I took any other option. Where I am right now, there are people who I think are my friends. The classes would be boring if I took any other path... But I'd still have to work, and I will still have to work, and I'll be working my whole life. Every damn day, there will be something. And I won't want to do it. And it will be painful. And I will struggle. Like everyone else. I'm not exempt from it, so why do I think I should be? Why do I deserve to avoid the pain that everyone else lives with? Some thrive on it. Some live for the challenge, just to be able to look back on what they've done and see how far they've come. And then they look at how far they have to go. And it doesn't scare them, like it does me. They just go farther and farther and never stop. And somehow or another they use up all their precious energy and they accomplish something, and they look back and are happy, and they look forward and they want to go farther still. And all I do is look back and think, What have I done that is worth anything? I haven't done anything to be proud of. Anything that there is, is past, and it doesn't matter, it's not important because that was years ago. And even then, I never really worked for it. Did I? Or did I just lose all my goals, all my direction, all my purpose?

I don't know how to change. I want to think about other people before myself. I want to be intelligent. I want to be a hard worker, unafraid, but able to control my impulses, strong enough to handle every challenge and come back afterwards more refreshed than when I had started. I don't want everything to be a constant drain... But how can I want these things, when they seem to go against everything I am? How can I want to be somebody else, when myself is all I have, and all I will ever have? I will always be alone, separate. I make myself that way. I can't long for human contact if all I ever do is keep myself at a safe distance. I never let anyone in. No one knows me. No one understands. And it's not because they are incapable of knowing me, of understanding me, but because I don't want them to. All I want is understanding, but it takes too much courage to let people see you. Every day I wear layers of clothing becaue I think they will keep people away from the part of me that is weak and afraid. And I try to be stronger than I am, than I can hope to be, because if they knew how weak I really was they could hurt me.

Aaargh. I'm not used to going to bed this late on a weekend... at least not when I've stayed up to do homework. On weekends, if I stay up, normally it's to surf the web, or something.

<useless trivia> In Japan, on Valentine's Day, the girls give the boys chocolates. A month later, on March 14, the boys do the same for the girls. </useless trivia>

Stupid internal assessments. Stupid procrastination. Stupid IB. Stupid homework. Aaargh.

edit: Ok, so it's not that bad. I went to bed by 12:30 and I turned in both the lit rough draft and the comp sci dossier! Both were exceedingly crappy, but at least they were more or less complete. C'est la vie.

current mp3: love hina opening theme song

Hmm. Did you ever miss a perfect opportunity to ask something and not realize until the next day? So, hypothetical situation: About a week ago you started wondering about something about your friend, say, what her middle name is. So you talk to her today and she brings up the topic of names, or something. And, if you had remembered, you could have asked what her middle name was. But, of course, you completely forget and instead comment on something else pertaining to names. And it isn't until a couple hours later when you're thinking back on your day that you remember that you had wanted to ask what her middle name was, and had the perfect opportunity to ask without looking dumb, and you missed it. Eh, it's really not important, but the thing that seems the most insane is the fact that the missed opportunity is going to bug me more than the original question...

Well, today was decent. Since I still haven't finished AFTA or ASND (although I did read the cliff-notes summary to ASND last weekend) and we were supposed to have finished them by today, I didn't do too well on the tests... Kym looked at my answers for the AFTA one and I think I got every one wrong. Probably did better on the ASND one, though, partially because of the cliff-notes and partially because I looked at Nathan's paper... Eh heh heh. I admit I'm evil, but not in one of those terrorist or serial-killer kind of ways, just in a normal way. Everyone needs a healthy dose of evilness in their system. In science Fox showed us electrical current stuff. Now, instead of positive, negative, and neutral, I'm going to call them clear, opaque, and shiny. Um, not really. In history, lecture. Wow. In tok we worked on an essay, kinda sorta. That is to say, Doze told us to write an essay and most of the class just looked at the article we were writing about, and poked it half-heartedly, and poked each other half-heartedly to see if anyone had the answers. Math, we went over our tests (I got a B-, not bad) and took notes on polar coords, which I pretty much completely missed. Hope my knowledge from preceding years is sufficient... In comp sci, joy of joys, the teacher tells us that we're turning our dossiers tomorrow, no extensions. Aargh. *writhe in agony* And she says, "Oh, don't worry, you don't need to have your program code completely done. I just need you to program everything you've learned this year, is all." So, what do I do when my database is going to be entirely composed of objects, and we've only been taught arrays? Use enums, which she didn't teach us either? Convert all the values to the same thing and use arrays? Skip it and hope she doesn't stab me to death for my impertinence? I'm thinking of going for the last one since it involves the least amount of work. Finally, spanish, which was actually ok today since the teacher was gone and the sub we always get is really nice. And, we didn't turn in any homework! Woohoo!

current mp3: all the things she said - tatu

Today was pretty good, I'd say. I woke up at five (urk) to get ready for the science test. It was really nice actually, since I had an extra half hour to relax in that I don't normally have. So, I go to school and get there at 7:30, ten minutes before we're supposed to. I wander around to waste time. Eh, kind of uninteresting. I saw Chris on the course of my wanderings, and if he recognizes me tomorrow in math, he'll probably think I'm a freak since I was probably looking at him with a really weird expression on my face. Since, I'm thinking, 'Heh heh, you have CSAPs.' But at the same time I'm trying to maintain a neutral expression since it's not very nice to walk the halls sneering at sophomores. Especially since, I'm at school, meaning I have no excuse to sneer anyways... So, that probably made me look odd. I don't know. Yeah, but... So I go in, and Joel's there, and then Nick comes and he's like 'Yeah, we came up with groups. I'm with Ivey, Joel's with Christine, Jessa's with Danny..." And then in comes Eric and he looks rather unwell. He's carting around a kleenex box and cough drops. And when he speaks his voice is all scratchy. Blech. Oh well, and then Chaffin and Christine and Ivey and Danny come. And we start the test, or whatever. The first part killed me, and me and Danny combined got only 8 questions correct out of the 20 we did. And of course we get to do 2 sections (instead of just 1) since we're supposedly smart calculus kids. Gah. Still, the questions were in a way interesting. I certainly know more about cheese making now than I ever thought I would. But anyway, the first section was multiple choice, and that really sucked. Especially since, for one of the 10-question sections, neither of us had any clue what the question was talking about. Grrr. We had to make a chart, and delete "dummy columns" (whatever those are) and then find the row optimal profit, or something, only to do that we had to find the difference between the greatest and second greatest unit value, or something, and it was just really horrible, because we're looking at the question and going, "What the ---- are they talking about!?" Yeah. But, on part one, after Mr. Fox had tallied up the right answers, turns out the senior team beat us by 15 points, or something. Kind of sad. Oh, well, they deserve to win, they're seniors, they should know more than we do. If they didn't beat us, that would be kind of sad... Then, um, part 2. Which is actually, apparently, the only thing that really counts since that's the part that's going to be sent in to nationals. And I think we actually did much much better on that. Ivey and Nick were kind enough to give us one of the problems they had done in the previous section and the bloody information for it was about 50 pages long. We're like, "Oh... THANKS" and they just cackled evilly. Well, Nick did. Ivey was ok about it. Eh, but, what we had was "coastal hazard mitigation" where you have to take all the factors of wind and topography and dead load and hydrostatic and hydrodynamic pressures to choose the site for a government research facility. And it really wasn't that bad. There were a few formulas, but with all the 50 pages of info we were eventually able to find everything we needed, and when we couldn't, the packet said we could approximate values. Yay! Really, of that long list of factors you need to take into account, there's only three categories. Wind pressure, water pressure, and dead load - which is the building materials at the top pressing down on the bottom of the building. Eh, but, we finished the whole problem by the end of the allotted time, which was good.

Anyways, afterwards Joel went home to do the homework he'd been procrastinating on. But the rest of us (minus Danny, who sneered at our fast food choice) went to Goodtimes for lunch. I still think I should have gotten custard, but oh well, too late now. But, sitting and eating lunch with Christine, Ivey, Nick, Chaffin, and Eric was really fun. Brought back memories of 9th grade (what with Eric and Nick being there) as well as earlier this year (Ivey and Chaffin) in addition to just being nice. Can't remember the last time I've eaten lunch with friends from school. *sigh* Stupid tok, I should have gone to it 8th. Still, having been to the 8th period class, don't know if that really would have been better... Eh, nevermind.

So, that part was fun. And really, although I should have spent the rest of the day doing homework, I really didn't have much faith in the capacities of my brain left over from the science test. So, I basically spent the rest of the afternoon watching love hina, playing dark cloud, and listening to music. I did attempt to work on my dossier... but then, I made the mistake of talking about it to my mom. And, although it's a good idea to talk to her about it since she knows what she's doing, the conversation we had completely fried my brain. And she of course points out all the problems I'll have with inputting information. My comp sci teacher, all cheerful, says that the hardest part will be performing calculations on the data. Uh uh, I don't think so. The hardest part will be INPUTTING THE BLOODY INFORMATION!!!! Ahem. Excuse me. But, seriously, inputting and interpreting input is going to be such a horrible pain in the butt it's not even funny. Aaaargh. Or, what I'll probably do is take the easy way out and make my program incredibly non-user friendly. But, I don't want that! User-friendliness is good! Deh.

But, two seemingly random thoughts (although every random thought has an explanation, you just don't know it): slinkies are cool but I think I've broken them all and headphones are cool but I always seem to break them. Wow. I need to get me some new headphones, since my current ones are officially broken. The right earpiece doesn't emit sound no matter how much you fiddle with the wire. Durnit. I really like these headphones. Ah, well, there are certain things I always break. Backpacks, watches, headphones, cd cases (but not cds, thankfully), blue jeans (if wearing them until some seam rips or the knees are in shreds counts as "breaking"), binders... I like to think that when I use an item a lot, I treasure it. And use is not very preserving for most objects, so eventually it will break. This assuages my guilt over having everything I use break within a year of my purchasing it. I've been really proud that my beatles watch hasn't broken, and that these headphones were listenable for so long. Technically, they still are, since the left headpiece works fine, but it gets a little annoying for one ear to receive all the sound while the other just sits all by its lonesome. Um, anyways...

My musical exploration has been weirding me out a little lately. I got enrique iglesias in the mail a couple days ago (or was it today? or maybe yesterday?), and that's really not the type of stuff I normally listen to. Yeesh. It's completely in spanish, though, so that makes me feel a little better about buying it. Perhaps I'll tell my spanish teacher... Nah.

So, the new music I've received in just the past month, pretty much, includes the techno cds I got from my uncle's collection, enrique iglesias, coldplay, dishwalla, radiohead, cure, sting, beastie boys, another beatles cd... I'd definitely say my musical horizons are expanding a bit. Especially from, say, middle school, when practically the only thing I listened to was the beatles and the oldies played on 105.1. Then came 93.3 and raiding my dad's music collection, then gorillaz, then blur, then belle and sebastian. And this was the first time in my life, pretty much, that I listened to stuff neither parent liked or even really could stand. Both mom and dad hated blur, and each could only really find one song they liked that blur had done. For my dad it was Song 2 (definitely on the side of mindless energetic rock-punk that he likes) and for my mom it was Tender (on the side of slow emotional pop-rock that she likes). And it was really nice to actually listen to stuff that I liked but my parents hated. It's nice to share stuff with the people you love, but when it's your parents you have to have some different tastes in order to gain any feeling of independence from them. Eh, well, anyway, I've been alternating between stealing my dad's cds (like good charlotte, weezer, garbage) and listening to "whiny boring girly music" like coldplay and matchbox 20 and blur and dishwalla that he can't stand. And being able to play songs to my mom and get her stamp of approval (like for coldplay and dishwalla) and at the same time be able to go off in my room and listen to beastie boys and blur and other stuff she thinks is horrid. And then the rare moments when I can play radiohead in the car and my mom and dad both go, "What, you like this song? Wow, I do too. How odd." Like for Creep by Radiohead. Which all three of us like....

Anyway, I'm babbling. Time for bed. Even though I'm going to be screwed on my world war one paper and my dossier, and I'm only halfway through AFTA and ASND, and I haven't done any spanish homework. Ah, the joys of not doing homework. Um, not really, since you suffer from guilt attacks and bad grades as a result of your laziness.

Don't you just love non-school days? Ah, the joys of doing homework during break.

Eh, well, today I worked on my stupid internal assessments for history and comp sci, which are due monday and friday respectively. But, then, Nikki came over (I drove to her church! With traffic, and everything!) and we goofed off for 4 hours. Heh. So, all's well that ends well, and the end of today was definitely fun.

And tomorrow, I get to do the science test thing. And then I get to work on my history paper and comp sci dossier some more. Oh, well, at least I'll be occupied, and not just by useless crud like organizing my colored pencils or changing the color scheme of my winamp skins.

current mp3: creep - radiohead

Today was decent. First off, in lit Nathan read my Hemingway story-thing. Of course, he cackles like a hyena. "Oh, that's bad... hahaha!" Deh. I wanted to read his, but I never got the chance to. Oh, well. Chaffin and I traded stories. At least, he gave me his and twenty minutes later, after Nathan was done poring over mine and chortling, Nathan gave it to him to read. He probably didn't really get it, at least not like Nathan did, since he doesn't know who I like, or maybe even that it was about the guy I like... Anyways, that made lit interesting. In addition to the coloring with crayons. It's like being back in kindergarten. But not really, since you can stay in the lines better and you don't get naptime. Darn. But, yeah. In science we talked about gravity some more, and amazingly enough I had done part of the assignment already. But in history was the DBQ from hell. I swear, that thing was EVIL. I didn't even get to two of the 4-point questions. And I don't think I really finished the 3 pointer either. Oh, well, I'm pretty sure about the 1-pointers, and the 2-pointer was ok, so hopefully my death will not be too traumatic. In TOK we picked on another article by the republican guy. It was fun to read all the ad hominems. Heh heh. But, anyways, the highlight was when Chaffin said that all the striking broadway musicians should be fired. How fun. Math was riveting as usual. And in comp sci all I did was fix my baseball program and eat lunch. In spanish, we took a test, and I think I was the first one done. I hate it when that happens. Oh well. But, now, no school til thursday! Hallelujah for CSAPs, at least now that we're through with them. On Wednesday I'm going to do this science test thingy. That will hopefully be entertaining. I dunno.

Oh, but, Baylee's back. Yay! Actually, there were a whole bunch of people who were sick who have returned. Like, um, Dan, and Allie. Actually, I can't think of anyone else right now. Oh well.

Virtual weekend!

Wow, another weekend of getting nothing done. I guess I did some stuff... Uh, I drove for half an hour (woohoo! only 40 and a half more hours to go!) and I did the lit story. And I opened up my science book and looked at it. No, wait... Yeah, I did look. Gah. It's kind of hard to get myself motivated these days. And, as hard as my parents are trying not to distract me, I end up distracting myself, or getting distracted by them despite their best efforts. On Friday, we went out to dinner and shopped at Borders afterwards. I got no homework done. On Sunday, I played Dark Cloud or watched mom playing it, watched about 4 hours of tv, went out to lunch at Joe's Crab Shack, and got one homework assignment done. Today, we headed off for Golden at eleven to see a play, and didn't get back until six hours later. And then I took a semi-voluntary 4 hour nap. And in between all these things I've been doing useless crap like organizing my winamp playlist by time, and changing the color of my alex winamp skin. And, of course, I've been wasting plenty of time listening to all my new music. Urk. No wonder I'm not getting anything done. Of course, it's my fault for making my parents think I have time for long outings and wasting the free time I do have. I just don't see a change. If there is one, it'll be a pain in the butt to pull off. And then I'll have to do work, which will suck as well. So, to change: I get up off my butt and start doing homework. My natural inertia and loathing of transitions will make this part especially difficult. Then, once I make the change, I have to make sure I don't stray from the "good" path. To not change: I keep sitting on my butt and watch on in horror as my grades go down the tubes. I cry, my parents cry, I resign myself to a lifetime of working in a cubicle doing computations involving integrals. *shudder* ... Eh, there probably aren't that many jobs involving integrals that don't pay well, anyways, so I probably don't need to worry about that. And I know I'm not going to work at a fast food place for the rest of my life, because I'd suck at it and they'd fire me. So that leaves, in all likelihood, jobs that interest me or that I'm good at. And that actually wouldn't be too terrible. It's ok, my mom didn't have a college degree and when she met my dad she was making three times as much as he was.

Not that I'm planning on not going to college. Sadly, I'm not even considering dropping IB. It's too late now, really. I mean, I don't want to waste all the effort I've already put in. Might as well just finish it, then go to Boulder where hopefully it'll be a bit easier. There's no guarantee that it'll be easier but you have to hope. The problem with it all is that life isn't easy, and if you want it to be you never accomplish anything. It's only when you work hard that you do anything worthwile. And as much as I hate working hard, I don't want to be a failure in life, either.

Hmmm... even if I write about things other than me on this blog, I always write my opinion about them. Is this bad? Or does it matter? Does it simply show I'm a self-centered person? Is this unnaturally selfish, or is it merely instinctual? Why am I asking all these rhetorical questions? Should I stop? And go to bed? If sleep is nice, does that make the act of sleeping selfish? What is selfishness? Is it expecting people to keep listening to you when all you do is drone on and on and on and on and on and on and...

current mp3: fascination street - the cure

Still using capitalization. Amazing that it's lasted this long. I don't know though, I might just go back to non-capatalization. Partly because it's a pain in the butt to capitalize every I. Did you know that english is the only language that capitalizes the word "I"? Think about it.... je, yo, ich, eu. Japanese doesn't even have capitalization. Maybe that's why I like Japanese so much. Then again, it has two different alphabets, and it uses chinese kanji. And there are over ten thousand kanji. Yeesh. Skip Japanese, I'll stick to English.

I finished the one-page lit paper we were supposed to write, the one in a Hemingway style. I'm not sure it really fulfills the requirements of the assignment, but I like it, so it stays.

Wow, yet again, it's late and I still haven't gone to bed. What's with this? I'm not even staying up on purpose. I just... do stuff, then I look at the clock and it's two and a half hours later than I expected.

Baylee's right, Stuck by Stacie Orrico is awesome.

I think I've been a little overly music-crazy lately. I ordered Radiohead's Pablo Honey used over the net, and it came yesterday. I've listened to it some, not a lot, and I definitely am glad I got it since it has Creep on it. I love that song. I'm liking some of the other stuff on it too, but since it's still in my mom's car and I'm too lazy to fish it out, I've been listening to other stuff. The two cds I bought yesterday: Parachutes - Coldplay, and Past Masters Vol. 2 - The Beatles. I must admit, I'm liking the coldplay one much better, but that's just because there are only four songs on the past masters cd that I didn't already own. Old Brown Shoe, The Inner Light, You Know My Name (Look Up the Number), and Rain. The one I'm most excited about is Rain. I heard it once on the radio, and fell in love with it, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Which makes sense, because apparently it wasn't released on any album. None of these songs were, and there are 15 of them. Most of them are on Beatles One, though. And, it's not like the other 11 are just crappy songs I already own and don't care about. I think Get Back and Don't Let Me Down are slightly different versions (though I couldn't tell the difference on my first listen), and Revolution is a noticeably different version of Revolution 1 from the White Album. So, not a bad cd. If you have this, and vol. 1 (which I need to get), and the other 13 albums, you have "everything that the Beatles, the most successful artists in the history of recorded sound, commercially issued during their remarkable reign." Trust the jacket to be flowery. Yeah, yeah, we know the Beatles were great. Anyways, I need to see what Beatles albums I'm missing. Here is what I do have:

1. Please Please Me
2. With the Beatles
3. Beatles for Sale
4. A Hard Day's Night
5. Help!
6. Rubber Soul
7. Revolver
8. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
9. The Beatles (The White Album)
10. Magical Mystery Tour
11. Let It Be

So, that's 11 out of 13. I'm missing Abbey Road (I should probably look for that) and probably Yellow Submarine counts as the other one. But, ugh, I don't want to buy either one of those. I know Abbey Road must be around somewhere, and Yellow Submarine either has a bunch of songs I already own (from Sgt. Pepper's and MMT) or it has a bunch of instrumental tracks from the movie's score. Still, I really love Hey Bulldog, so there's a reason to buy it. Anyways, that's not all the cds the Beatles/Apple has released. There's also One (which I have) and the three Beatles Anthologies, and the best of 1962-1966 and 1967-1970, which really have no point, but Uncle Scott had the 1962-1966 one. And don't forget all the songs originally written by the Beatles that were sung by other groups, like World Without Love and I Wanna Be Your Man. And the solo work by John, George, Ringo, and Paul. And all the bootlegs and abandoned recordings, and I think they're doing a new version of Let It Be without the instrumentation. So, for those who really want to own every Beatles song: give up hope now. Or, settle for buying the 13 albums, or the 15 albums including past masters, or just the compilation albums, or just One, or the 15 albums plus the 3 anthologies, or just John's solo stuff, or just a best of solo stuff for John, or whatever. You have to draw a line somewhere, but that's true for anything...

Enough of my random babbling about the Beatles. Hmm, did you know I have a Japanese Beatles poster in my room? It says "Yeah, yeah, yeah" in Japanese katakana. Aargh, no, must stop.

Hmmm, it's been about a half an hour since I started typing this. Probably a bad thing.

Well, I drove with mum for the first time today. I drove to the new smoky hill library. This time it's actually on smoky. It's pretty cool. But, ugh, I was parking and I did a really crappy job, so my mom made me repark. And since I wasn't doing a good enough job she took the wheel and turned for me. Aaargh. Although I'm probably giving my dad an ulcer, I think I prefer driving with him, since he clutches the door and not the steering wheel when I screw up.

Man... Blur is having a concert in New York next Sunday (the 16th), but apparently, minutes after announcing it, it was sold out. Great, just great. They're not even that well known in the US, and their show sells out in minutes. No way I'm getting tickets, even if they DO come anywhere near Colorado. Oh, well, it wouldn't be the same without Graham anyways. Still, I swear I'm going to see Damon in concert someday.

current mp3: suteki da ne - rikki (final fantasy 10)

How'd it get so late? Eh.

Today's highlights:

• The extremely odd vocab test provided to us by Parsons.
• The DBQ in history, which I wasn't able to actually complete any of. It's going to kill me on Monday.
• Ditching tok to do my math homework.
• Taking the math test. I think I actually did ok on it.
• Taking tok during eighth and sitting next to Alex.
• Going out to dinner at Chevy's, then to Borders, where I bought two cds.

Now, off to bed. Since it's a weekend I can actually attempt a decent night's sleep. Hooray.

I think I'm opposed to the war on Iraq. I just don't see any point to it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are lots of wonderful reasons to fight Iraq. But how relevant are they to the situation? Some people say that September 11 is why we need to go to war against Iraq. I do not see a strong enough connection to merit a war. Hunting down Osama is one thing, picking fights with every terrorist in the middle east is another. There's too much generalization. Some people demand a war against Iraq because Saddam is a terrorist like Osama. Some are committing hate crimes against Muslims because those who started the attacks were Islamic. Why? A generalization is a model for behavior, a pattern, with some exceptions. If there are too many exceptions to the generalization, however, it ceases to be useful, and becomes harmful. Yes, there should be some kind of generalization made about the September 11 attacks; if there is no generalization, there is no pattern, no predictability, no hope of defending ourselves in the future. But so far all people have been focusing on is religion, which has so many exceptions that it can't be considered an accurate generalization. So, why are we attacking Iraq? What is the connection between Saddam and September 11? Is it that he fits into the same category as Bin Laden, that of the "powerful, anti-American, Muslim leader"? But, does that really give us enough of a reason to attack his country? I don't think there's a strong enough connection. We're going from "perpetrators of the attacks on the world trade center" to "Osama bin Laden" to "powerful terrorist leaders" to "Saddam Hussein" to "Iraq". With each step, the connection gets weaker, and by the time you get to Iraq, it's not strong enough to merit killing people. What is the point of this war? Is it to defend ourselves against another September 11? If, in order to defend ourselves, we attack Iraq, Iraq will counterattack. We will most likely lose more lives in a "preventive war" than we would in another September 11. So, in order to prevent future terrorist attacks against the U.S. - to prevent more deaths - we have to sacrifice the lives of our soldiers, and cause more deaths? That doesn't make sense to me. I don't see the point in a war against Iraq. I can't think of any reason strong enough to be worth all the horrors of war. If any politician would give anything close to a straight answer as to why a war is necessary, or beneficial, or reasonable, or rational, I'd like to hear it. What are the reasons for war? I need to decide for myself whether I think those reasons are strong enough to merit killing people. There are so many reasons not to go to war. The reasons to go to war had better be worth it.

Well, today was interesting. Mostly for what happened after school, but still.

I've been running late in the mornings lately, but dad's discovered this new route that, although it probably takes the same amount of time, involves much less sitting around and waiting in long lines of cars. And is therefore much less stressful. But, anyway, I got to school at about 7:08, so I just went straight to Parson's mobile. Of course, Nathan was the only one there. I don't know what's up with him, he's always the first one there. Eh, but in lit we took a reading quiz, and I proceeded to get in an argument with Kym, which was somewhat entertaining. In science I turned in both labs and the chapter 23 problems, so hopefully that'll improve my grade. In history, yesterday, I was doodling during the movie, and after class Ginsberg "talked" to me about it. He said he didn't say anything because he didn't want to embarass me. I'm like, oh thanks, so instead you get pissed at me. Oh, well, today I sat up at the front of the room with Sean and watched the movie, and when I promised him I wouldn't doodle again (after some prompting) he said, "Good, and you'll keep on being an A-student." Sounds auspicious. Yeah, but that had stressed me out a little.

In tok, we talked about Helen Keller some more, and I got pretty bored. At one point I spaced out, and I guess Doze must have been talking about the differences between languages, because all of a sudden, Chaffin goes, Hey Jessa, explain the differences between Japanese and English. And the class goes silent. Kind of startling. Kind of fun, though, even though I've never taken any Japanese classes apparently I'm the resident expert on it. Hehe. This is why learning outside of school is good, children. But, yeah. Then math as boring as ever, but it was somewhat fun to fiddle with our calculators. And I've found out that trying to type in a message on a calculator when it's turned upside-down is incredibly confusing. Of course, in comp sci, I did nothing. But poor Eddie and Jason have to finish their dossiers by Friday. That's gonna suck. I haven't even started on section B of mine, and I think it goes up to section H, or something. Spanish was much better than normal, since the teacher's been gone the past three days. I mean, not that I don't LOVE the teacher... Cough, cough. Yeah, and yesterday me and Ali and Danny were reminiscing about the elementary school days. Apparently, Mr. Downing had two more kids. A boy, and another girl. And his first kid, the one he had when we were in his class, is in elementary school herself now. It's odd. It's been 6 years. So, that makes sense, but it still feels so odd. How'd we get so old? I remember when the occasional "old kid" would drop by to say hi to a teacher, and those kids were probably in eighth grade, or below. Gah.

After school, realising I had no reason to actually hurry up and leave the class, I kinda lost my steam. 8th period tends to be incredibly boring nowadays, since everybody who doesn't have tok goes home. So there isn't anyone to talk to when I want to stay after school. But, I ended up going to Chaffin's eighth period class. Now that was interesting. Anyways, I go in and I find out that Kevin takes it too. So, after my computer's mouse decided to die, I just spent the rest of the period talking to Kevin, basically. The bad part: apparently, Garrett has that class too. Urk. And since there's no Srav present to scare him off, I had a bit of trouble with that. Aaargh. But, that class looks so fun. The computers are awesome (although, apparently, they're getting replaced next year), and you get to use Maya! Sweet. I told my mom, and she goes, "Why aren't YOU in that class?" I should be. I don't know, if I end up not taking Japanese next year (a quite likely possibility) I might take that class instead. Since, actually, I've been interested in that class since ninth grade. I remember looking at electives, and going, "Ooo, computer graphics! I wanna take that class!" So, maybe I will next year. And, really, the teacher must be so mellow. Rustam was there, too, and he was watching anime on his computer. And someone went to that one homestar runner site (or whatever it's called) using the teacher's computer, and the whole class could see, and hear, the little skits.

Well, anyways, after that I ended up going into the library - too late, of course, to secure myself a seat - so I just did spanish homework for a while. Ugh. I ended up hanging out at the table for the last 20 minutes anyway. Today, it consisted of Nick, Eddie, Tiffany, and Chaffin. So, I had fun talking to Eddie. And whenever Nick got up to deliver some NHS papers, I stole his seat. But, Eddie apparently likes anime - at least, the stuff on cartoon network. It works. He's collected a whole bunch of songs from Gundam Wing, which he's gonna let me listen to once he finds his missing cds, and he watches DBZ. Heh, he told me the ending of the Buu saga. Mwahaha. Course, I didn't completely understand it, seeing as how I never watched any part of the Buu saga... Ok, then there was Japanese club, and basically, Nikki and I spent the whole time listening to Aharon discuss the differences between anime and manga. And Aharon has this "art of xenosaga" book, which is really cool looking. He says he's been playing it for the last five days, and he really likes it. So, I'll have that to look forward to. Once I get my homework done. So, I'll be expecting to do that after I finish college.

current song: tell me why - the beatles

Well, I've been trying to get some of my long-neglected homework done. My parents are being really mellow about it. My mom wishes to stab my math teacher to death for all the homework she gives us. My dad just says, "Do whatever you want, it's your decision." Probably not going to last very long, but for now, it's kind of nice. I don't feel so much pressure.

I talked to Megann while I did my science lab, which made it much more entertaining. Hallelujah.

Hmmm... If you think it might be someone's birthday, but you don't know for sure, what should you do? Say happy birthday anyways, ask, say nothing? I opted for the say nothing. Probably a good choice. Perhaps I'll know for sure next year.

Gah, what's with all the illness? Baylee is dying of coughing, Megann just got over a fever or something, Nikki had stomach disobedience, I had a nasty cold, Mom thinks she's coming down with something, Allie stayed home sick today, Kym's been getting fever blisters. There ought to be less disease in the world. I think it would make it a happier place.

Ah, well, tis late, more or less, so I think I shall go to bed. Hooray for sleep.

Oh, an interesting thing... Meghan, in spanish, asked me if I went to Sagebrush Elementary. So, I say, yeah, for two years. But, apparently, she was going through some pictures of her girl scout troop (back then they called it brownies) from first and second grade, I guess. And she has a photograph of me in there, and she made the connection. Alas, I can't remember her. I remember Nicole (S., who attends Smoky, I think) and Nikki (my first best friend, who moved away) and, to a lesser degree, Hannah (the quiet one) and Kimberlee (the bossy one) and Carrie (the hyper one). But I don't remember anyone else. Oh, well. It's odd that, halfway into my junior year, I'm still finding people I knew when I was really little. I remember when I first came to Smoky it was really odd because all of a sudden I had a strange nostalgia about 5 or 10 people, and I had no idea why. Turns out I remembered them from Sagebrush. I never really placed all of them. Nicole, I remembered right away. Christine and I remembered each other but we couldn't quite place it. I have this odd feeling she might have been the girl who called me "Rothenbird". Joel seemed oddly familiar, and my mom says she remembers him because his mom, at the PTCO meetings, was abnormally pale. Shivani, although I didn't really remember, has always reminded me of an Indian girl who once came to school with a bindi and traditional dress for show and tell, and who was a level above me in spelling.

It bugs me that I can't talk to the guy I like. It's great to talk to him when there are people around, and he's incredibly entertaining, but when the other people leave, the conversation dies. I guess I'm just kind of boring. I can never seem to hold people's interest. There are some people who I click with, and can talk to for hours effortlessly, like Nikki or Nathan, or Devin, back when we were still friends. However, there are some people I can't keep a conversation going for. I don't think it's a permanent condition, though. I used to have a really hard time talking to Alex in middle school, but now I can just talk to her. The conversation may still die sometimes, but it's a little more of a graceful death. Rather than an awkward, lingering, pathetic death. Maybe all it is, is that I don't ever expect the conversation to last, or try really hard. Lowered expectations, that's what I need.

I'm trying to stop being such a slacker. I didn't get near as much done this weekend as I should have, but at least I did something. Now all I have to do is the science stuff for tomorrow and the math for friday. And I'll attempt the spanish and computer science. Actually, I should do the computer science first since it's only two problems, and it's usually really easy. But, I need to make sure all these looming long-term projects don't bite me in the butt. The deadlines for the world lit paper and the world war one paper are coming up. And I need to keep working on my comp sci i.a. The good news: my spanish oral is officially OVER, so now I can stop thinking about suicide (no, I don't want to kill myself, that was my topic), and there aren't any math i.a.s this year. Hooray! Kind of.

Hmph. I bought a bottle of cherry coke and, feeling nice, I was looking around for a recycling bin to throw it into. But, apparently they've gotten rid of all the recycling bins in the cafeteria... I know they had some at one point, because Eric always insisted on recycling the aluminum cans of pop in ninth grade. I can't believe I remember that. Jeez.

I still have that cough, and it's bugging the heck out of me.

God, I hate homework. Although, it's my fault that I have so much to do. If I just did my homework when I was supposed to, I wouldn't have to do all my regular homework plus all the crud I've been too irresponsible to do. It's bad enough as it is just with the regular homework. My regular homework was: read in ASND and AFTA, do science problems and finish writing up a lab from last week, outline sections 89 and 90 from palmer & colton, do the math practice test, finish up section B for the computer science i.a., and research and practice for my spanish oral. Yeesh. On top of that, I'd hoped to do another lab, 9 or so math homework assignments, a computer science assignment, and 4 spanish assignments. Definitely in over my head. It's not happening any time soon. Ah, well, it's only eleven. And I don't have to go to school until 6:45 or so. Gee!

I'm such a slacker... Somebody snap me out of it.

Life is uneventful.