Some thoughts...

I'm a coward. I run from everything. Fear is my motivation. I'm too scared to face the consequences of my actions... If I haven't done my homework, sometimes I use my lack of organization as an excuse. But I find it terribly hard to admit to my peers or teachers that I'm imperfect. I have a lot of pride (too much, I'm sure) and I don't like to seem weak. I am weak, though. I'm not a strong person, and I've never really been one. But I don't want to seem weak to other people, I don't like the idea that I'm flawed. I know it's stupid, because everybody's flawed, but I can't seem to accept that. And there's always proof that it's within my capabilities (supposedly) to do better than I'm doing now. But, this fear I have keeps me from living a normal life. I've never been in a relationship, and I think it's mostly because I'm so frightened by the unknown - what happens when people know I care about them? What happens when people go on dates? Maybe... I should tell the guy I like how I feel. I don't know. It might be a bad idea, but, everything worthwhile is a risk, and it's not like this is such a big risk that it'll damage me permanently...

I like learning about other people. Not just normal stuff, but getting to see inside of them. Like, seeing what they think or feel and getting a better understanding of them. And then you apply it to yourself. And sometimes your whole perspective changes. I mean, your perspective changes every day, but not a lot. And it's fascinating to see how I'm different from people or the same as them. And to see how I'm not alone, that everyone feels the way I do. Or that I'm not as much like this person as I thought... Everybody categorizes the people they meet. But what if you were wrong? And later you find out little pieces of information that make you re-evaluate them. And you see things about them that astound you, sometimes.

Tonight I IMed Nathan, and we started talking about things... And I probably shouldn't have bugged him, but I learned something about Nathan, and something about myself, and something about the ways things work... You know, one of those epiphany moments. But, although he doesn't understand why, I feel sorry for him. I think because I see myself in his shoes (although I could never really know how he feels) and there's so much pain... And the worst part is that you can't escape from the pain, don't even want to. I think the best analogy would be for self-mutilation. People don't do it because the pain itself makes them happy. The presence of pain is a reminder of feeling. It lets you know you're still alive and capable of feeling something. I'm not saying what he's going through is like that... But I can't help but think of it as a form of masochism...

I wonder if I'm capable of love... It occurs to me that I may never fall in love. That's one of my worst nightmares. Even though I associate love with pain, I want to experience it. Maybe it's my definition of love though... Although, you can't ever truly define love. But I think, approximately, I associate love with caring... It's the deepest kind of caring you can have. If you care a lot about someone, if they really matter to you, if what they think, do, say, feel is important to you, if you care whether they're happy or sad, if it matters to you what they think about things... Hate is the same as love, actually, but instead of focusing on the goodness of a person you focus on the badness. If you really hate someone, it still matters to you whether they're unhappy or not, what they think about things, what they do, say, feel... If you hate someone, you delight in their anguish and try to find fault in what they support. But if you love someone, you're happy if they are and you search for the good things in what they support... But I can't decide how much you have to care for it to be love. It might be that you care about the other person more than yourself, so that you put the happiness of that person over your own. But I'm not sure that's really true... People in love don't sacrifice everything so their partner can get what he or she wants... And maybe it isn't caring at all... But I'm not sure I'll ever really know. Maybe, if I do fall in love, I'll figure it out, but...