I want to write, but I don't want to.

What does it matter anyway? Nothing changes, but everything changes. You don't have control, whatever happens. And you get stuck in a rut. And you keep getting pulled down, closer and closer to the darkness, and eventually it's just easier to let yourself sink down, than to try clawing your way back up. I know I'm selfish, but I don't stop thinking about myself. And everyone says to just take a pill, it'll make you feel better. It makes things easy. Better living through chemistry. But it just means there's something wrong with me, some flaw that other people don't want to show. I'm not perfect. I have to change myself to fit into society. Everything seems hard, but is it really? Not like I work near as hard as some people. But it wouldn't be any easier if I took any other option. Where I am right now, there are people who I think are my friends. The classes would be boring if I took any other path... But I'd still have to work, and I will still have to work, and I'll be working my whole life. Every damn day, there will be something. And I won't want to do it. And it will be painful. And I will struggle. Like everyone else. I'm not exempt from it, so why do I think I should be? Why do I deserve to avoid the pain that everyone else lives with? Some thrive on it. Some live for the challenge, just to be able to look back on what they've done and see how far they've come. And then they look at how far they have to go. And it doesn't scare them, like it does me. They just go farther and farther and never stop. And somehow or another they use up all their precious energy and they accomplish something, and they look back and are happy, and they look forward and they want to go farther still. And all I do is look back and think, What have I done that is worth anything? I haven't done anything to be proud of. Anything that there is, is past, and it doesn't matter, it's not important because that was years ago. And even then, I never really worked for it. Did I? Or did I just lose all my goals, all my direction, all my purpose?

I don't know how to change. I want to think about other people before myself. I want to be intelligent. I want to be a hard worker, unafraid, but able to control my impulses, strong enough to handle every challenge and come back afterwards more refreshed than when I had started. I don't want everything to be a constant drain... But how can I want these things, when they seem to go against everything I am? How can I want to be somebody else, when myself is all I have, and all I will ever have? I will always be alone, separate. I make myself that way. I can't long for human contact if all I ever do is keep myself at a safe distance. I never let anyone in. No one knows me. No one understands. And it's not because they are incapable of knowing me, of understanding me, but because I don't want them to. All I want is understanding, but it takes too much courage to let people see you. Every day I wear layers of clothing becaue I think they will keep people away from the part of me that is weak and afraid. And I try to be stronger than I am, than I can hope to be, because if they knew how weak I really was they could hurt me.