note to self

I want to:

• print out senior pictures
• do my CAS paperwork
• finish Cyrano
• finish Beloved
• buy The Man Who Sold the World
• do the science chapter hw that's overdue
• ask Gore why I have an F in history
• be done with this godawful dossier
• finish the weeks old comp sci practice ib test
• renew my permit (again)
• buy a birthday present (that's better than altoids)
• play crystal chronicles with...
• get him to ask me to play crystal chronicles with him
• annoy Jason when I see him on Tuesday
• raise my C in math by actually doing some homework
• know if I'm going to get in to Chicago
• visit Chicago to see if I'd like it there
• hang out with Nikki again sometime soon
• hang out with Devin
• get someone to drive me to Thornton next saturday
• do trivia every week
• prove the juniors wrong
• get back Cowboy Bebop before I graduate (but not before he's watched them all)
• hang out with my friends as much as possible
• stop spending money
• lose seven more pounds by my birthday
• write poetry
• work on my table in art club

Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to
Strawberry Fields
nothing is real
and nothing to get hung about

I do believe that the music video for "Growing On Me" is even cheesier than the one for "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." It's pretty close, though.

Seeing the play was good, but most of all I'm glad I talked to Devin. It's kind of hard; I really miss having him as a friend. Hopefully we can hang out sometime. He better write me. If not, maybe I can get Amy to stab him for me. :D

Survey stolen from Mary / Sarah / Vicki / Ned (but not Anthony):

What do you really think of me?

can't see...

I think he lied when he said hiroto meant something. Stupid japanese dictionary.

Damn, I wanted to read his t-shirt, and I never did.

So, no knowledge bowl on Monday, even though there was supposed to be. Dangit. And then, art club on tuesday, which was uneventful, except, what, Michael? was there for yearbook, taking pictures. And interviewing the people with mannequins. But, mweh, today I didn't go to clay club. I had been planning on it, but, see, Mr. Gore let us out early. Really early. Like, a frickin' hour early. Not that I'm complaining. Besides, there were, what, eight people there? What with mentors and the play and just general ditching *cough*Matt*cough* ... So, yeah, I went and watered plants and emptied and ran the dishwasher (which, by the way, contained Claire's and Cagri's teacups...), and I look at the clock, and it's about 2:20. So, I'm thinking, Do I really want to wander around for 45 minutes waiting for clay club to start? No. Didn't think so. My lazy nature prevails, once again.

The test for astigmatism in the physics book is really cool. It's a bunch of lines, kind of like an asterisk, or whatever... If I look at it without my glasses, all the lines are blurry, except for the vertical one, which is exactly in focus. Oh my god, it's so awesome. Don't ask me why I think that, I just do.

I'm thinking this is going to have a lot of typos in it, since I'm typing without my glasses on... Yeah, can't really see the letters. At all. Thre's some slightly grayish blobs on the screen, though. Wow.

Monday was Nikki's birthday, so hooray. :) I never heard what her presents were... I'll have to harrass her about that. Once I finish my dossier. And Beloved.

... I must admit, I'm cheating on the eye thing, 'cause I'm squinting a lot (which kinda hurts, by the way), but mostly I'm just leaning really close to the screen whenever I want to check for errors. Edit: I went through and corrected a couple typos. I'm too much of a, what, freak? not to. Mweh.

So, I get to use a camera tomorrow... fear for your lives.

make that three times.

goddamn mouse

*@#$!%@#$@&%^(@()! Yes, that's right. Since I don't know proper censorship syntax, I just jammed on my number keys while pressing the shift key. Hooray for random symbols posing as a string of curse words.

But, I must say, my mouse is being fucking annoying and deserves to die a horrible death. I swear, I've had to unplug it and replug it twice in the last five minutes. And I think I've done it about twenty times in the last week.

Granted, I'm probably crankier due to my guilt over being irresponsible. I might have wanted to spend a bit more time fixing my history i.a., and a bit less time surfing the net. Ah, well. It's good enough. I'll print it out tomorrow. Today? Oh, whatever.

But, I conclude, my mouse needs to be severely beaten with a baseball bat. Perhaps I'll bring up this issue with my parents. Be nice to have a reliable mouse. Grrrrr...

damn you, ned

Here was my greeting at lunch today:

"So, Jessa, I heard you were late to JETS... Which makes sense, since you had to come all the way from Jupiter!"

After I got past my annoyance, I had to admit, it was pretty good. If only Chaffin had been there.

Oddly enough, the insult actually made me feel rather welcome. I mean, you don't usually deliver an insult like that to someone you dislike, eh? Well, that's my theory anyways. It's another method of determining inclusion. That's one of the reasons I always used to ask, "Can I sit here?" because it was always gratifying to hear a sarcastic "No, Jessa, you may not. Go away." It means you don't need to ask. It's only when you hear an "Oh, sure, go ahead" that you know you don't really belong.

But, anyway, it also helped that besides this... lovely... acknowledgement from Ned, I also got acknowledgement from Chris (that weird little snap thingy), Foote (a nod, as I recall), and heck, even Andre (a sort of nod)... at least, I think that's how you spell his name. Right? But, whatever. And, another thing I found rather awesome, was that Chris and Foote, once everyone else had left (to snag seats for TOK... haha, 45 students) felt okay talking in front of me. Is this the equivalent of man-gossip? Well, whatever. I find it nice that they feel comfortable enough around me to talk in front of me. At the same time, I kind of feel that they feel they don't know me, enough that they don't have to worry about me understanding much. But it's actually a nice kind of anonymity, for once. One of those times when I'm actually glad I'm not completely a part of the group. And when I'm glad I act as an observer more than anything else when I'm around those guys. I did understand most of it, but not all of it, but I'm not sure it matters anyway, as I'm rather forgetful and I generally try to not talk about these kind of things anyway. Does that make sense? Well, I can always pretend.

Lately I think I'm getting better at appreciating just hanging out with my friends and yammering about nonsense. But, eh, who knows. It's nice to be completely comfortable around a certain group of people, to feel you belong. And then I always have my other group, which isn't really my group, but I do like it regardless. And though I'm never quite comfortable enough to think of witty comebacks or even anything to say, it's ok. As long as I get to yammer to my friends too. ^.^

Hey, did you know Baylee helped pick the plates at the Golden Wok? I didn't know that! That's so cool.

... Damn, I forgot to advertise the double decker bus. Guess I'll try for tomorrow. Or monday.

the joys of a four day weekend

My domain is finally up. As soon as I get it figured out, I'ma set up my blog over there.

It's good to talk to her. It's been a while.

Tomorrow is Srav's birthday party, or whatever. Hmm... I don't have a gift. Oops. Maybe I should have gotten one. Meh. Oh well. I still need directions to her house, though.

On Sunday I'm hanging out with Nikki. Still don't know what we're doing yet, but whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be awesome.

Tuesday is JETS. I've been assigned the cups. Hoorah. As long as I don't forget, that'd suck.

Meh, I feel bad, because I was pushing the teacups and one of them fell off and broke. It was Andre's big purple cup. RIP, cup.

one more thing...

I was wrong. He's four, not five. And he's five, not six. But I'm not sure he's really five, either. He might be lower than that. And I'm starting to have my doubts about the other one, too. He might be higher than that. It's really strange. But, I don't know, what seems even weirder to me is that Nikki doesn't know yet. Normally I tell her these things before anyone else. I mean, she knows about the five, but not the four, and it's bugging me. Meh.

whaaa?

Bweh... dossier = icky.

Meh, I was so gonna call nikki, and it just... didn't happen. I wanna hang out over the weekend! Dangit!

My head itches.

I think it's time that I give up on my dossier and just go to bed. Is it a lost cause? Hmph. It's my own damn fault.

I'll have to read Cyrano over the weekend. I'm looking forward to it. That and finishing Gattaca, which I watched last night in lieu of doing math homework.

I'm now officially a finalist. Chaffin isn't. I kind of winced internally as Brown bragged that 9 of the 10 made it as finalists. It's kind of dumb, though. I don't know.

Josh asked me about it in pottery. It was kind of fun actually. Then, of course, he chastised me for wanting to go to Boulder, and not MIT or Caltech. Bweh. I'm saving those for graduate school. Kind of bad to spend a bunch of money before I know for sure what my major is, anyway, don't you think? Or not. Oh, whatever.

Hooray for mooching rides home. Mom was really happy. Much love for Sarah.

That is all.

He's back!

Hooray!

I'll see them in school tomorrow.

Who? Me, ramble?

current song: Linkin Park - Easier to Run

Oh, drool...

You know what was cool? Talking to Josh on the way to pottery. It's another reason to be grateful for science bowl. But, he was asking me why I was taking the class. Apparently he'd "heard" that I was taking it without needing it for credits. It's true. I don't need any more credits to graduate. Unless, uh, I flunk English next semester, but I think I'll be ok. But, he was asking why I was taking it when I didn't need to; he certainly wouldn't be taking the class if he didn't need the credit. I told him I wanted to relax for my senior year, and he pointed out that I could just go home instead. Good point. Regardless, I find pottery (and photo) more relaxing, and enjoyable, than simply going home and catching up on my sleep. I've wanted to take visual arts classes since freshman year, and this is basically the first year I've been able to. And, on the going home thing: it occurs to me that I'd either have to hang around for an hour and a half, or come back to school in order to go to all my clubs. And help out Bess, of course. Can't forget the teacups.

Speaking of Bess, and clubs, and teacups, I've been ditching art club recently. It makes me feel bad, but once it was for science bowl and the other couple times it was for teacups. I mean, what, do you people want no teacups on teaday? I still feel like I'm missing out, but meh. There are a few things going into it.

1. One, I no longer have Ms. Brown as an art teacher. So no lingering after class for easy access to art club, and no real feeling awkward if I don't go, since I won't see her in class later, and thus feel guilty. Yes, yes, it's irrational, but it happens.
2. That's another thing. Clay club. If I go to clay club on wednesday (which I must say, needs members more desperately than PAINT does), I don't have time to clean all the teacups. Because, ok, here's my schedule after school: Monday - Knowledge Bowl or Ms. Bess/teacups. Tuesday - science bowl, art club, or teacups. Wednesday - Clay club or teacups. Thursday - AI (on those rare occasions... but meh, I FORGOT last month... bloody hell... won't forget the one this week, no, I swear!) or teacups. Friday - Red Cross and/or Science bowl. And, you know, some days I just want to go home. Wouldn't you? And since I place a higher priority on knowledge bowl, red cross, and friday science bowl than on teacups, and since I can't always get the teacups washed in two days after, I sometimes feel I have to sacrifice art club...
3. Third, and this is the most... I don't know, paranoid, irrational, stupid? But, well, I'm afraid of Sara. Yep. I mean, she's so nice, and she's really self-confident, and she works hard, and is a leader, and is just in general an awesome person. Right? But she doesn't seem to really like me, and as a result, I tend to shy away from her. Now, I don't know if she really doesn't like me, or what, but, regardless, I get that impression and, ergo, am scared. So, that's my third reason to stay away from art club. Besides, I see her in clay club, or at least, I saw her last time. And it was much less intimidating, for some reason. Meh. Whatever. I don't know.
4. Oh, and also, although I know people there (Sarah, Sonia, Ellen, Sara... but isn't she disqualified for the reason above?) I don't really feel I belong... or something. I feel kind of out of place. Especially when I'm surrounded by mannequins. The stool was cool, and it gave me a reason to come, but then again, I find it hard to maintain conversations with the other people there, and yeah...

So, that's my art club rant. Yup.

Oh! JETS is on tuesday! Sweetness! Mustn't forget. That's going to be so fun. I just hope, hope, hope, that we don't get shown up by the juniors. Bloody stupid smart juniors. Why they gotta be smarter than us? Meh, well, us seniors did have our moment in the sun last year when we (basically) got best in the nation. But, no, they don't give us anything for it, because they refuse to operate in anything bigger than "divisions". Best in division is good for me, though.

But, meh, there's all this crap due. You'd think I'd be used to it by now... Let's see. I'm finally done with the EE, as crappy as it is (was). I've done my history i.a. but feel I should correct it where Gore pointed out some error I made. Even though he gave me a good score, I feel I should correct that problem instead of being lazy. I was lazy on my e.e., and it made me feel bad. There's also the correction of the world lit papers one and two, which are due next thursday... aaaaaargh... and the c.a.s. paperwork due to IB really really soon! Oh God... and the dossier, and I have to complete the program by this friday! This friday! The whole bloody program! How am I supposed to do that?! I need to, though, I really need to. And, let's see, the math hw I didn't do yesterday which is now due this thursday, but meh. And then there's... what... wait... I can't think of anything else. Yes! Yes! There's an end! The light .... between the tunnel? What the heck is that expression again? Oh well... Oh, it's "at the end of" isn't it? Well, then. I've solved that mystery.

fee fi fo fum

current song: Elliott Smith - Sweet Adeline

What amazes me is how much happier I am than this time last year. I mean, wow.

What I neglected to mention in Saturday's post, was that after the awesomeness of science bowl, I had the pleasure of hanging out with Stacey. Woot! We went to TGIF's (she seems to really like that place, we went there last time, which was about 10 months ago, why do I remember this?) and then, at around 8:15, decided to go to the movies. We ended up watching Along Came Polly, which had some gross-out stuff in it, which was somewhat dumb, but it was cute. I would, however, call it a chick flick. I liked it, though.

So, talking to Stacey was awesome. Like I said, I haven't seen her in about ten months, so... She seems to be doing alright at Aurora Community College. She's going to transfer to a university in two years, which is quite respectable. I'm not sure I approve of her attraction to 20-year old druggies though. Ha, ha, just kidding. But I definitely am unsure of this desire to set me up with "Tyler". Ch.

So, yeah, knowledge bowl today, which was quite exciting. I hear that Alex is doing well in Washington. Hooray. But, yeah, dammit, Krishna beat all six of us. If only knowledge bowl had interrupt points...

Well, I've finally bought an Elliott Smith cd. XO. It's quite good so far. I'm glad I bought it.

Meh, I need to get rid of these ginger altoids. Maybe for valentine's? Or should I milk it and have one for valentine's, one for birthday, one for graduation, and one for... I can't think of any other gift giving occasions. Hmph. St. Patrick's? Man, that's lame.

Oh, go visit Shivani's blog, peoples.

Hooray for science bowl

Waii! Today was so fun. Although getting up at five in the morning on a saturday isn't my favorite thing in the world. But, team 4 has an unblemished record, they won 100% of the rounds they played. Even team 2 din't do that. And they're the ones going to nationals. Which, I must say, is truly awesome. Andy, Anthony, Nathan, Chris, and Jessa (at least, I assume they all get to go... Jessa didn't really participate in the bowl ... ). Yup. Course, we all knew that before hands, now didn't we?

I was just amazed that we beat team 1... My god. We got beaten by Pueblo, though, twice. Meh. God, I wanted revenge so bad... they even beat team 2 once, but they got OWNED in the last game.... 48 to 8, I believe. Ha! That's not to say I'm glad they lost... I felt kinda bad that they lost so badly in the second game, especially when they won (!) the previous 66-58, or something. But, meh, I'm still kind of mad at them. Competitive spirit, eh wot wot? Or not...

So, all is right with the world. We (our team, consisting of Danny, Andre, Josh, Paul, and I) made either fourth or fifth place, with team 1 (Shivani, Krishna, Christine, Jon, and Islin) a place behind us (at least, I think), and team 2 coming in at number 1. Team 4 probably could have joined us at the top of the rankings, but they weren't allowed to continue past the first round. And with a perfect score, too! Well, the rankings were not as good as last year... damn Pueblo... but still not bad, not bad.

^.^

Sit on a train reading a book
Same damn planet every time I look
Try to relax, slow my heartbeat
Only works when I'm dead asleep
Been thinking, and drinking all over the town
Must be gearing up for some kind of meltdown

All I am is
A body floating downwind
All I am is
A body floating downwind

What's wrong?
Nothing
Are you sure nothing's wrong?
Yeah
But you're sad about something
Yeah
So tell me what
I don't know

I can't tell you
I can't tell you
I can't tell you
I can't tell you

All I am is
A body floating downwind
All I am is
A body floating downwind

Sit on a train reading a book
Same damn planet every time I look
Try to relax, slow my heartbeat
Only works when I'm dead asleep
Been thinking, and drinking all over the town
Must be gearing up for some kind of meltdown

As the express train passes the local
It moves by just like a paper boat
Although it weighs a million pounds
I swear it almost seems to float

And as we pass by each other
Our heads all full of bother
We can't look we can't stop
We can't think we can't stop
'Cause we're stuck in our own past
And it's the way it always lasts
And I need something more from you

All I am is
A body floating downwind
All I am is
A body floating downwind
Floating downwind

-- Nada Surf, "Paper Boats"

Good.

In my opinion, this is a step in the right direction. In a lot of ways, I guess I am a liberal.

I want to stay here, indefinitely.

current song: Travis - Pipe Dreams

Thursday approaches. Last time this year I was somewhat unhappy. I think more of my friends are leaving this time, but I don't mind as much. I don't know. I think it's definitely a good thing. And it doesn't mean I care less, it just means I'm happy for my friends even if they aren't with me.

Greg has gone missing the past few days. Apparently he's only missing 5-8 days, though. Computer Science is not the same without him. Granted, I should be focusing on my dossier... Oh well.

Speaking of computer science (well, kind of) I saw Jason on my way to photo. He emerged from Fox's room as I was coming out of the library... You know, I hardly ever go to the library any more. Not having a first period, but apparently suffering from sleep deprivation, and having my dad bring me to school early, I hunkered down with the translation of Dante's inferno... and fell asleep. Hooray for the secluded section of the library that nobody bugs you at. You can sleep on the floor. :) ... But, as I was saying, I see Jason, and he comes up next to me, says hi. It was really nice. I like it when people acknowledge me in the halls. I asked where he was going. Seems he has french second period. But, meh, in conclusion, that was nice. Warm fuzzies, and all that.

Taifur does, indeed, want to borrow Cowboy Bebop. I'm glad I offered. Again, for some reason, warm fuzziness applies. I think it's another acknowledgement thing. It's also having a purpose, or getting appreciation, or being useful. Or something.

Friday should be fun, and saturday as well. I hope I can get a ride on Saturday. It would suck if I couldn't. Meh. If all else fails, I'll... I dunno, bribe Danny or something.

Saturday should also be fun because I will, I think, be hanging out with Stacey. I haven't seen her since last May or so. I still send her forwards, but that isn't really a substitute for human contact.

I need to finish my history IA for tomorrow if I don't want to get an F for semester... and I should read 60 pages in Beloved if I don't want to bomb the essay test... and I should finish my IB comp sci test if I don't want Champion to chastise me. Again... So, dinner, then hw into the wee hours, I imagine. It'll be nice to work hard again.

I think I'm feeling better, for the first time in a while.

tired.

I wish I could be there for her. I'm too forgetful to be a good friend. I hope she's ok. Even though I'm fairly sure she's not.

I hate pretending, and not saying what I mean, and I hate it when you do it, too. Please, please, be genuine with me, tell me what you're thinking. I want to know so much. I promise that I'll try to understand.

I don't know if I'm going to make it past this. I don't think I really want to just stop trying. What kind of a life is that? It's not any better than struggling your whole life, even if you don't accomplish anything. Because if you struggle, at least you're trying.

Why can't I just do what's right? Do I really need that much help from others to do what I need to do? Am I even capable of pulling out of this by myself? And somehow, I can't help feeling alone. I think it's my own fault. Everything I say I like best - darkness, rain, closed spaces, music, dreaming - aren't meant for sharing. Do I push people away? Or do I just avoid being close to them? Would it be possible to belong if I just stopped pushing others away?

I always thought I loved people, couldn't stand to be alone, wanted to belong more than anything. But, in reality, I think I'd rather be alone. And I'd rather be different. Maybe someday I'll learn how to open up to others. Until then, I suppose I'll be lonely. At least I'll know who I am, even if others don't. I wonder - is it really worth it?