who knows?

current song: the darkness - love is only a feeling

So I'm going to Boulder. I got letters of apology from Chicago and Northwestern earlier this week. I guess I'm kind of sad. I mean, it kind of sucks that they didn't deem me "good enough." But, whatever. I wasn't crushed or anything. I think I'm really looking forward to Boulder. At least they appreciate me. I have a merit scholarship there (if I can find the letter...) and some woman from the computer science actually called me just to answer questions and tell me that they'd really like to have me attend Boulder. Boulder probably likes me better than the other schools because it didn't see my midterms. Two I's probably don't look too great on a college application.

He came over to my house on Friday. I left science bowl early, and he picked me up and we played video games. And on Sunday we went to see Secret Window, which was actually quite good. His family didn't come this time. But afterwards I went over to his house and we played more video games, and ate dinner (bratwurst!) and watched X. Which was creepy, I might add, too many beheadings for my tastes. And then when the protagonist sat there crying and cradling the head... I mean, come on. And I talked to him on Thursday, and apparently we're going shopping on Sunday. I feel kind of dumb, I mean, surely there's something that'd be more entertaining than shopping? But I can't think of anything, and going to another movie would be a bit ridiculous.

But, meh. Listening to The Darkness is a bit... odd. It makes me think about him, that's all. And I don't know. I feel bad. I hope he gets into Boulder, but even if he doesn't, community college isn't bad. That's what Stacey's doing, after all. It just feels strange. I always think of him as so brilliant and it's just wrong, somehow, that colleges don't see that because of the grades. And it feels wrong that he can't go to Reed because it costs too much. Why does money have to be an issue? It's not an issue for me! It's unfair that it's not an issue for me, and I'm not even going to a "good" college! I mean, this means that my parents will be much better off in terms of finances, of course, and my college fund will actually be able to pay for it ALL, not just the first year. And my grandparents won't have to give us so much. But, I mean, I could have gone to a more expensive college, my parents aren't telling me not to, they're encouraging me. Why is that? I hate the unfairness of it. Why do I have to be so lucky? I don't deserve it as much as my friends do. Why aren't they luckier than me? When is my karma going to realize it's made a mistake?

Oh, well. That was long, and rambling, and pointless.

Well, I hung out with Nikki on Wednesday, which was good. That and Sunday made up for the lack of trivia. Especially talking to him about it. I actually told him! I told him I was kind of upset, and I felt much better afterwards. Because I was kind of upset. I wish they'd called. I suppose I shouldn't expect it, though. I have this idea that I'm friends with them, but I'm not even that good of a friend, am I? Maybe I should work on that. I bet I could be better. They do deserve it. I deserve it, too, but I suppose you've got to give to receive. Or something equally corny or clichèd.