le sigh

Bah. I haven't talked to him in a week, but I kinda miss him. I kinda feel guilty. I'm not sure I appreciate him enough. I don't appreciate any of them enough.

Book club on Friday, which is cool. I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I just kind of feel like I don't belong anymore. Almost as if I used to, but I've done stuff that's, I don't know, forbidden, and I've pushed myself out somehow. I hate this feeling.

I especially feel bad about him, because I don't think I ever tried as much as I thought I did, and certainly not as much as I should have. It drives me crazy sometimes when I think about how crazy I was about him and how little, really, I did to make things work. I always thought he didn't do anything, but he did. Too late now, though.

And I feel bad about the current situation, because sometimes he makes me so happy, but sometimes I just feel so restless and bored, and I shouldn't, and then I feel guilty.

They both deserve better than me, I guess. Hopefully in college I'll work some stuff out so I can not only find the guy I want, but do my part.

Man, I still need to read and return Cyrano. I'm so terrible at returning stuff I've borrowed.

Well, that's enough depression. Maybe it's the rain, even though I love it. Sometimes I wonder if I love it because it makes me depressed. Sometimes depression is good, because, if nothing else, it's a strong emotion.

Time to do some reading.