wish you were here

Salutations from Costa Maya, México, or wherever the heck I am. This is, what, the third day? Fourth day? of our family's Caribbean cruise. It's not bad. I've purchased 30 minutes of internet access for my laptop, which is enough to send and receive emails and post the occasional weblog entry, as I'm doing now. Indeed.

Yeas, not much exciting has happened of late... well, nothing good, anyways. But, ah well, what can you do.

Mexico is pretty, or at least the water surrounding it is, the temperatures are a bit warm for my tastes (but, I mean, come on, I'm from Colorado, what do you expect?), and the food is on par with dorm food back home. Eh. There was a chocolate souffle last night for dessert, so that was nice.

Most of my free time so far's been spent reading and typing emails, eating, and exploring the ship, but we did go to karaoke a couple nights ago, which was entertaining. And today my family and I strolled out into Costa Maya (olé) to take pictures and buy worthless souvenirs at high prices. I passed up the chance to get a henna tattoo, though. Too bad...

Eh, well, here's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, and such. Since it's too late for Hanukkah. And, eh, there should be Kwanzaa and... Ramadan? And, uh, maybe a few others thrown in there for good measure...

Eh, screw it. I can't remember anything.

Happy Festivus!

Have Fun.

current song: Annie Lennox - Walking on Broken Glass

I had a lovely time today. Stayed up til 5 last night cleaning. It was.. something to do, at last. I think the thing that's going to drive me nuts the most is not having something to do, something to haunt me. I grow rather affectionate of that cloud of worry that follows me during the school year. There's always something to run away from. You can take as much joy in accomplishment as you can in flight...

So I woke up around 10, cleaned a bit more, took a shower, ate my biscuit, talked to Daniel, called my mom, bought drinks, met Daniel's parents, delivered my orange juice and animal crackers, walked with Daniel to Target, bought scented shampoo among other things, bussed myself back to my dorm, helped Amanda clean up the room, got fetched by the parents, ate some really lovely Indian food, got driven back to home, got online, talked to Cam, talked to Sarah, talked to Josh, talked to Shivani, talked to Daniel.

Maybe there's something terribly wrong with my life as I know it but I'm doing my best not to see it. There's just that nagging doubt that tugs at me... I guess I haven't lost my cloud of worry after all. Welcome back, my cloud...

fun with ascii

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        |  |___| \			|       |
	|__|   |  \   			|	|
	|  |___|  /   			|	|
	|  |   | /== ~~~~~~~~		|	|
	|__|___|/     			|	|
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	>+o				|	|
	>+o				|	|
	    ~~				 \_____/
	==={  }		    ____
	    ~~		   /	\   
	==={  }		  |	 |
	    ~~		  |	 |
	==={  }		  |	 |
	    ~~		  |	 |
			   \____/

hi everybody

Now, just because I don't make a blog entry for a week doesn't mean I'm dead. I've just been a bit busy lately.

I almost lost my cell phone yesterday (today)... Thank goodness for Chris and for the kind soul who picked it up and called him in search of the phone's owner.

Things are good but I shall miss my boy over break. Ah, well, that's what email's for, I suppose. And I kept both of us up for far too long today in order to spend more time with him before I leave. So that's alright.

Ugh, I need bed... Tomorrow shall be busybusy. Must take a ritalin when I wake up...

well then.

current song: The Strokes - The End Has No End

I finished reading his entire webjournal. I guess it's a good thing he gave me his monologues. Else, what would I have to read in the wee morning hours?

It's strange though, that I finished it. I didn't think I would so quickly... I find it rather bizarre. I mean... I've... read it all. 131 entries isn't that hard to swallow, but still...

I'll let him keep his own shoes as long as my pictures remain intact. But no more photography for a while. Don't want to torture the poor boy... too much, at least.

I wonder if Jude and Spencer know anything or if they just think I've got a crush?

So, the current list of people I've told:

Nikki, Kelric, Cam, Mom, Dad, Amy, Chris, Ashley, Ashley. I can't remember if there's anyone else. Ah well. <shrugs> I suppose Amanda should know too; she came into the dorm while I was waiting for him, and asked if I needed to be let into the room. I said, no, I was just waiting for my boyfriend... Then I later brought him up to the room in pursuit of a hoodie, and introduced them. So, maybe... Though I doubt she'd actually care.

I think it's pretty nifty that Daniel and Chris met each other though, and chatted about the horrors of Computers as Components. Never mind that Daniel didn't technically take the class. Just... the equivalent...

Time for bed, I suppose.

explanation

So. I wrote a paragraph in my November 29 blog entry about walking to calc class... My dad sent me an email asking about it.

There is a time and a place for vagueness and obscurity, and as much as I enjoy confusing people, and as much as I hate being unnecessarily obvious, sometimes it's nice to be clear. So... this is the explanation I gave my father about the mysterious paragraph. I ... liked being able to explain it all, without using unnecessary pronouns or hiding what I meant.

The day before writing that entry, Daniel wrote a bit of prose regarding his footprints in the snow. He'd walked from his dorm to mine, stayed a bit, then gone back home. By the time he went to go back home again, the footprints were gone, and he was glad about it. He let me read it, and I thought it was rather nice.

Now, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I go to the engineering center around ten. Cam comes in soon afterwards, then Daniel maybe around 10:20 or 10:30. At eleven Daniel has a class, so he goes to that. Spencer comes at some point during this period. Then, at around 11:50 Daniel returns from his class and Spencer usually decides to ditch his. So in those next five minutes I head off to class myself.

With this in mind, I was talking to Daniel in those five minutes, and watching Cam and Spencer bicker playfully. So I looked at my watch, and decided I'd best go to class if I was to get there even remotely on time. "As I walked towards my class I didn't look back." So I walked to class and... I didn't turn around to see what my friends were doing. Just walked toward my destination.

"It was an interesting contrast to, say, last night, for instance." The previous night, after Daniel had visited me and started the walk back to his dorm, I ran to the window on the second floor and watched him as he went. "I'm not the one who's going anywhere. I'm already at my destination. So there's no reason to not look back, at someone who still has a ways to go." Basically, all that was left for me to do was go back to my dorm room and get online and wait for Daniel to get back to his apartment. (It's kind of silly. I'll talk to him before we hang out and after we hang out before finally going to bed. I hope he doesn't get sick of me too soon. He doesn't show any signs of it yet, at least.) So I much preferred to watch him as he trekked across the snow until he was out of sight before going back to my room. You know how I hate waiting for something.

"But when I left for Calc, it was a very liberating feeling. I had things to do and ... my destination was known. And even though I was going away from something... I knew that when I returned, it would still be there, waiting for me." Okay... so this was basically me saying, that when I was walking to Calc, it was different. My two options were 1) look back at my friends, and at the happiness I was leaving behind, or 2) just go towards calculus class, and concern myself with the present and immediate future of being in class and hopefully learning (and getting some Japanese homework done if the learning part was unsuccessful). I chose the second, and it was nice. Because I could be happy in the moment, without regretting that I was leaving my friends and the happiness I feel when I'm with them, safe in the knowledge that once Calc was over I would be able to go back downstairs and talk to Daniel, Spencer, and Luke.

And as I thought this, I thought of what Daniel had written and shown me, and I had this urge to write it down in my journal. My actual, handwritten, don't show to just anybody journal. The problem with this was... I had given my journal to Daniel so that he could read all my writings. So, as a substitute, I wrote it down in my weblog. A little less poetic, and a little more vague, but not terrible.

belief

I don't think I've ever been happier...

I've thought of a ... term of endearment. But I'll only use it in my own mind, never out loud... maybe, someday, I'll use it aloud, but only when I talk to him.

For the first time ever, Cam told me "TMI!" I didn't think it was possible... maybe because he's starting to think that my jokes may be less joke and more truth.

I am insecure, unsure, full of self doubt, fearful of being inadequate, scared of my own inabilities. I think I have the ability... but I cannot examine my ability too closely, because I may not like what I find. I am flawed, but somehow, it doesn't seem to matter so much anymore...

And I don't care what others think! If you think I've done something wrong or scandalous, then it proves to me that you don't know me at all. I am hesitant in small matters, so how could I brush off something so big, so important to me? I could not. I would not. I will not, when the time comes. Though it will be a long time from now, I trust.