safe and still

current song: Keane - Untitled 1

I just finished playing a session of World of Warcraft with my mommy...

It's fun. I'm a hunter tauren, so I'm a big minotaur with a wolf pet. I'ma name him something dumb, like "Wolfie," or even worse "Thorny." Just because I can.

So it's 11:41 pm right now. I bet Daniel won't be done with work for a while. The campus seems pretty empty... Next week I'll pay the $20 to replace my ID card, and then I can come home next weekend, and I can go to the gym with Amy. And I'll call Sarah up next week, sometime, if I can remember. We should hang out... I missed out on seeing a lot of people during break.

I can't understand the lyrics of this song. I should look them up...

I wonder if I'm too selfish... I can never be sure. Maybe that means I am. Maybe it means I'm not. Maybe it doesn't really matter.

I won't go to Japan and Asia with Jaime this summer. I want to learn more Japanese, I want to stay in an apartment with Amy, I want to stay in Boulder, for now. I'll see. I think I want to go to Japan, but... not yet.

Maybe I should get a job this summer. If I want to become independent...

I have really good friends. It's strange... I fit into this group, into multiple groups actually, and... I feel happy. I feel like I belong. When I hang out with Cam, Jude, Spencer, Jaime, Luke, 'big' Amy, Chris, Eno, even the Kitt group when I see them... I feel... like it's ok. I'm just... part of everyone else. I blend in, but... without fading into the background. And even... Marilyn. I'm glad I met her. It was one of those things, though, where Don was playing with syrup and keeping the baby pacified (literally), and I was swirling around my empty water glass and sleepily squashing Daniel, while he and Marilyn chatted about... mathy things. I worry sometimes. I'm nerdy... but am I really that nerdy? Ah, well. Time will tell.

I think that part of the belonging includes... getting harassed. It's 'cause they accept me. I'm one of the guys. I'm female, yeah, but I'm... one of them.

I like the engineering center. Late at night, you can just sit there undisturbed. There's the odd student curled up on the couch, but for the most part it's pretty deserted. The lights are off... it's dark, with that little bit of light in the distance for comfort... I just put on my headphones and set my laptop on my lap and settle back on a couch. I can look out the window onto the cold, quiet night, and be alone with my thoughts.

It's beautiful...