So, tomorrow then.

current song: beetlebum [moby remix] - blur

Ok, all better. Daddy moved my antenna and now the net works fine. But if it screws up again ... ! *shakes fist*

So, I'm happy now. These past few days I've been thinking some things... Like about prom, and finals, and Europe, and my grades, and what I want from life. Normally these things depress me, just because I always feel stuck in the same place, like I can't change anything. That's the worst feeling. Not having anything change. There are some things that might be better unchanged, but if nothing changed life would be pretty boring. And if things are less than perfect not having anything change would be awful.

I bought some cds the other day. Four of them. Past Masters Vol. 1 - The Beatles; Symphony No. 4 / Romeo and Juliet - Tchaikovsky; Bustin' and Dronin' - Blur; and Mendelssohn's Violin Concertos. I'm not quite sure why those four; but then I'm never really sure why I buy anything. I saw Meteora as my dad was paying, and thought "Oh!" but didn't buy it. I'll just get it next time, perhaps.

I've actually done some homework lately. I'd turned in one science assignment as of last Wednesday; now I have 5 in. A little better, I think. And I did all my history last weekend, albeit crappily, so that's good.

Apparently the results from the JETS contest are in (the one from CSAPs) and we did really well among all the juniors. I must go look it up. www.jets.org

Screw this.

I love my new computer. It's so wonderful. I could spend all day on it listening to music and fiddling with html and paintshop and playing games and fiddling with desktop themes and typing documents in word...

But not surfing the net.

Goddamn stupid worthless piece of crap wireless network card!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T GET ON THE NET FOR MORE THAN THREE SECONDS!

Damn it, everything has a catch.

I'm using my mom's computer to type this right now. Can't even fucking get to my email from my own computer... Lousy piece of...

*grumble*

Dammit. Standing your ground can be fucking painful...

...but in the end everything turns out all right.

Guilt can kill you. So can stress. Try to avoid them if at all possible.

I've decided I need to try to be more brave. My fear is always getting in the way of my happiness. So, I'm going to try to take more risks and not be so fearful.

Aargh. I'm tired, and my homework isn't really getting done.

I still have to type up the intro to the TOK essay. Damn.

I went to the pizza party thingy during 8th, even though I hadn't planned on it. Nikki had to get home so she could go to a dental appointment. But after 7th, Chaffin asked me if I was going, and basically said "do what you want". And so I did. And so maybe I will.

I've decided I'm going to try halfheartedly in history, and math, and spanish, and if I get C's, too bad. But I'm going to try a little harder for physics, since I like that class. Maybe I'll look for some interesting colleges I could apply to, too. Doesn't matter if I don't get in but it'd still be fun to try. I don't want to just resign myself to going to Boulder.

Ok, done with the TOK intro. Even though it sucks.

But, yeah. Maybe I'll go to bed now.

Blargh. Wow. I was doing science, and I didn't know it was so late.

ACTs were... interesting. I hate it when I don't get to finish but I think I did better on the science section than I did on the PLAN, or whatever. So that's good. And I only guessed on 5 math problems, and 2 science. And I got the other stuff done.

I've actually done my homework for the past two days, so that's good. Maybe I'll be able to improve my grades somewhat. I'm most worried about science, since I don't really care about euro or spanish or math all that much. But, yeah. By Friday I should have the chapter stuff mostly done.

Although I enjoy rain, I still have an aversion to snow. It's pretty, and it's nice to run around in for about five minutes, maybe, but not when it's wet and sticky or you have to wade through a mile of slush or you get cold. Coldness is bad.

Eh, nothing profound today, but I'm tired and it's midnight so I figure, eh. Or something along those lines... Hmmm.

So, school, not so good. In history, I have a D, and in science I probably have an F, since I think I'm missing 7 assignments. Out of how many, 8? Tonight I worked on math and did spanish and attempted science, but only got through a couple problems.

What's starting to worry me, though, is the fact that I'm not particularly worried. I'm not in a frantic rush to do work and get my grades back up. I can't seem to care. And since I seem to care about almost everything, it makes me feel odd. I can't really say I'm upset, because since I don't care, I'm not upset. I just feel somewhat hollow, or something.

Oh, although I was going to type this up much earlier, homework magically appeared and I did it instead... What anna said on her blog reflects what I believe, kind of.

"The thing everyone needs to realize however is that yes, all you sad fucks are right: nothing matters; everything is unimportant, no one cares about anyone else, and no action has a true purpose.

"But the concept that everyone seems to be missing due to infinite density of mind, is that you have a choice: Be a dumbass and leave this life, or assign value to things and enjoy your stay. Believe it or not, no matter how hectic life seems (emphasis on seems, not is), your stupidity nonetheless surpasses the stupidity of your life as you happen to perceive it."

Although I might not have said the part about people's stupidity, I've been thinking lately, and what she said pretty much sums up what I think. That is to say, nothing matters in the long term and nothing is really important - which is why I don't believe in God or destiny or fate - but the reason we don't all kill ourselves is that we find something that we care about. Of all the people I know, I can't think of a single one who doesn't care about something. It doesn't have to be much; just one thing. Some people live for their dreams and ambitions, and others live for pleasure, and others live for changing the world around them, and others live for changing themselves. I think I live for relationships. I don't really care about accomplishments; I don't really have any goals or dreams. I expect to go to college, get good grades, whatever. But those aren't my dreams. They're all based on the expectations of other people. I've always struggled to find something I care about, something I could accomplish. But really, it doesn't matter. I'm not happy when I'm doing well in school. I'm happy when I'm with people I care about, or when I'm learning about myself and other people from my interactions with them.

So, eh. That's all.

No more history homework!

*cries*

current mp3: rest stop - matchbox 20

Well, this new computer is entertaining, but it's sucked down more of my time than is probably healthy.

Tomorrow I get to do three chapters in von laue!

I've decided I want to get my music collection in gear so I've been turning cds into mp3s. So far I've gotten:

• Belle & Sebastian – If You're Feeling Sinister
• Blur – Modern Life Is Rubbish
• Blur – Parklife
• Blur – The Great Escape
• Blur – Blur
• Coldplay – Parachutes
• Coldplay – A Rush of Blood to the Head
• Garbage – Version 2.0
• George Harrison – All Things Must Pass
• John Lennon – Imagine
• John Lennon – The John Lennon Collection
• Matchbox 20 – Mad Season
• Matchbox 20 – More Than You Think You Are
• Radiohead – Pablo Honey
• Sting – Fields of Gold: The Best of Sting 1984-1994
• The Cure – Greatest Hits
• The Beatles – With the Beatles
• The Beatles – Please Please Me
• The Beatles – Beatles for Sale
• The Beatles – A Hard Day's Night
• The Beatles – Help!
• The Beatles – Revolver
• The Beatles – Rubber Soul
• The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper's
• The Beatles – White Album
• The Beatles – Magical Mystery Tour
• The Beatles – Let It Be
• The Beatles – Past Masters Vol. 2
• The Beatles – One

So, I think I've made fairly good progress. Perhaps more tomorrow, but I think I have plenty of stuff to listen to for now.

Wheeeeeee!

I am writing this entry from.. My New Computer!

MWAHAHAHA!

This is awesome.

Well, I went to bed at 10:30 last night so didn't see the comments on the last entry till I came home from school. I feel loved now. :)

Today had its interesting moments. Let's see.

First off, we started to watch Streetcar - the movie version, with Marlon Brando and Vivien Leigh - and Parsons points out the symbolism of the train entering the tunnel... *cough*

In history we had a work day, so I talked to Joel and worked on that Females in the Russian Revolution. Ginsberg seems to be a feminist... But he was telling Joel how when he was little he went to a seder (is that how you spell it?) meal and one of the wine glasses had a hollow stem, or something, and the wine drained into it. So he thought Elijah was there. Heh. The last seder I remember having was with my old neighbor Tammy, when I was about 5, and I think they made me try some wine. Nasty. Our family was never religious enough to celebrate passover on our own. Just with our Jewish neighbors.

Yeah. Then in TOK we read an article and Allie and Kym argued about Avs and cheered the defeat of the red wings. They seemed indignant, though, since I think some guy rated the team - like, the offense, defense... They went, "He gave the offense a C?! That idiot!" Quite entertaining.

Comp sci was probably the highlight of the day, though. We took a quiz and graded it (I got 50%, damn) and then I prodded Dan for some play-doh. Play-doh! WHEEE! That was awesome. I have it with me right now. I've decided it makes a good stress ball... But basically I spent most of the period watching Nick teach Eddie to make roses from play-doh. Eddie's rose looked kinda squished though. He thought he'd give it to Tiffany tomorrow - it's her birthday. He's already gotten her an actual present, so no big if the rose doesn't turn out. His present is so cool! I can't tell, though... gotta make sure Tiffany doesn't find out. But, apparently, not only is it her birthday, but it's their two-month anniversary. How sweet! Eh, don't mind me, I'm such a sap.

But, yeah, and I walked to Spanish with Baylee, fun. She liked the play-doh. Dan gave her some, too, I think, he said he was saving three for Baylee and Claire and... I've forgotten the last person. Ah well. But, in spanish we did a practice listening AP test thingy, and I actually got them all right. Which really freaked me out, because everyone else was "I missed 5" and Danny missed 4. Aaaargh...

So, yeah, then home, and talking to Nikki, and watching Dark Cloud, and taking a nap, and then waking up and looking at dinner, and going, "eh..." And then wandering off to do spanish. I actually finished my spanish homework. It's a miracle! But I'm so behind on the science... It's horrible. I need to do some.

Eh, well, today wasn't bad.

My ankle recovered enough that I can put weight on it without falling over.

I talked to people and the day wasn't too horrible. Props go to Megann for being the only one, besides Nikki and my parents, to mention my birthday. Sure, she mentioned it yesterday, but better a day off than not at all.

So I spent after school with Nikki, and we ate Chipotle and watched part of Nightmare Before Christmas, then switched to Legally Blonde. That was fun. Then dad came home and we opened presents and went out to dinner at Sonoda's.

Amazingly enough, I got a whole bunch of presents other than my computer. I was expecting no more than a couple, but I ended up getting a whole bunch:

From dad:
• The Art of Miyazaki's Spirited Away
• Hayao Miyazaki: Master of Japanese Animation
• Nausicaa box set - 4 graphic novels
• Ghost in the Shell
• Cowboy Bebop
• Love Hina Christmas Movie
• Kiki's Delivery Service
• strawberry pocky
• spongebob drink bottle
• Grado SR80 headphones


From mum:
• chocolate truffles
• cotton candy pellets
• vanilla candle plus glass container and plastic rocks
• aromatherapy thingy with vanilla scented liquid
• Disney Mania (disney songs by pop artists)
• cool pen
• Legally Blonde
• A Knight's Tale
• The Emperor's New Groove
• purple pajamas
• fuzzy camisole
• coupon to go on a shopping spree with mum

Only, now I feel bad. Because I really liked dad's gifts - he got me all the anime stuff - but I don't think mom knows I like hers too. Aaargh.

Oh, well. But, I don't know. It's odd. I have all this new stuff and it's actually just making me feel depressed, because I'm doing poorly in school and I'm not doing homework and I don't deserve any of it. And I've already gotten a computer. But, I don't know. Besides that I got a hundred dollar gift card from Nikki, and $100 from my grandparents (and the Beauty and the Beast DVD, though mummy ordered it for them), and $25 from Bubbi, and I don't know what to do with it all. I just put $50 in my bank account the other day because I have too much money and it's making me uncomfortable. That's not to say I don't like the gifts, or the money. I really do. But it just makes me feel... awkward, in a way. And I wonder if I really deserve any of it. I probably don't. I was born into a position that gives me more than I could possibly get on my own. I almost can't wait for college and my first job, and being able to rent an apartment and not always having to be around THINGS, and MONEY. So then I'll actually understand how normal people feel, and why they love them so much...

Well, sorry, this turned out to be more depressing than I had intended. I had a good birthday, I really did! And I love all my presents!

I walk!

Dammit... I think I've sprained my ankle.

Ok, so, the day did not start out as well as one might hope for. I fell asleep for almost an hour and was, obviously, running quite late for school. I managed to yell at my poor mother and piss off my father. But, ok. Things calm down and I'm heading to the car. I fall and land on my ankle. Joy of joys. I try walking on it, and it seems fine.

So, basically, I've been walking on my ankle all day. When I got home after school I sat on the couch and vegged for a while, and when I tried to get up, I could no longer support my weight with my left foot.

This really sucks. I've never sprained anything before in my life (although I'm not sure how, considering how clumsy I am) and this is really not a fun time to start. I really wanted to go to school tomorrow! Besides the nastiness that ensues when I stay home from school in general, oddly enough I wanted to go to school on my birthday... It's nice when you get to see your friends and stuff. I'll probably see Nikki regardless, but I was also hoping to see my other friends. And my crush...

Another bad thing about it is that I've been rendered immobile, and I am gonna get so frickin' bored. I'm going to go nuts. I had to scooch on my butt to get over to my computer.

This sucks!

I suppose none of it matters. Whether I'm ok with that or not, whether I care or not, it doesn't matter. None of it is important in the long run. Whether that makes you happy or sad or thoughtful or angry depends on your mood. But none of it matters. Nothing matters. It's all insignificant. Petty problems, personal goals, the meaning of life, individual merit, they're all insignificant. None of it is important. Nothing matters.

I have the discovered the joys of looking at my friends' blogs while walking the dog. That's right folks, my cell phone has actually increased my time spent surfing the net. The only problem is that it won't display Claire's blog, nor can I view any images. For shame.

The school seemed rather empty today. Devoid of life and whatnot. Kym and Allie were busy doing history homework, and thus weren't arguing about the Avs. Alex, Melissa, and Chaffin were gone. Since it was a Monday people in general were rather stupefied. Oh, and Parsons sent Jimmy away to the english resource center to work on his history homework. The whole class went, "*blink, blink* You sent him away." Nathan was, of course, reading Von Laue and thus un-entertaining. Even Yuri and Eric seemed rather quiet. Ah, well.

I stayed after to bubble in my AP forms and whatnot. Seeing Chris there (the sophomore) I asked if I could sit at his table. I really don't like sitting at a table of people I don't know, and sitting by myself is almost as bad. Eh. But, apparently he (and Danny as well) is taking 5 AP tests. What the heck? Why would someone torture themselves so much? I just don't understand it. I wish I had been like Alex and not signed up for the Calc test. Or better yet, Baylee, who didn't sign up for any AP tests.

I shall be spending more time with Nikki from now on. A very good thing, but I wish she were feeling better. I'm actually really glad now that I kept my 4th period TOK because now she won't have to wait for an hour, friendless and alone (unless she has friends with 7th off, unlikely) in the library or something, waiting a period while I sat through TOK. Besides, I don't like Doze's eighth period class. It's all big, and noisy, and I know I'd just end up sitting in the corner with Alex and ignoring everything. And I don't think I'd be able to survive in Droege's class, seeing how much trouble I have doing work in my existing classes. And, you know, fourth period isn't bad or anything. It certainly has some interesting people. *cough*Yuri*cough*Eric*cough*cough*

Well, the computer hath not been set up as of yet. I'm thinking next weekend might be good. Besides, I want to spend wednesday with Nikki, and every other day of the week I should probably be doing homework, not ogling my computer.

Speaking of homework, I appear to be falling behind in history. Ah, well, hopefully next weekend will be a tad more productive than in recent weeks. And although I've not done three chapters, I know he won't accept two of them, so I might as well just focus on the one due today that he will possibly accept late, and the two that are due next Monday.

Now, off to do the math I should have done yesterday...

Well, the lab was fun. No, really. I worked with Baylee and Claire (yay!) so that part was quite nice. I'm pretty sure some of my data is screwed up, though, but I'll just have to fix it as I go along. No big deal. And now I know how to put resistors in series and in parallel and how to interrupt and reconnect the circuit! Joy. I am certainly not going to go into electronics for a career.

Dad says we'll set up my computer tomorrow. Hooray! He had hoped I'd get more of my homework done today, but we'll probably set up my computer regardless of how much I've gotten done.

That's right, my computer's a Dell. I know it scares some people ("Dude, you're getting a Dell!") but I'm willing to live with that. So, as far as I can remember, here are my lovely specs:

• Pentium� 4 Processor at 2.53GHz w/533MHz front side bus/ 512K L2 Cache (not quite sure about this one)
• 1GB DDR SDRAM at 333MHz
• 120GB Ultra ATA/100 Hard Drive
• 3.5 in Floppy Drive
• 16 Max DVD-ROM Drive
• 48x/24x/48x Max CD-RW Drive
• Dell� Enhanced Multimedia Keyboard
• Logitech� Optical USB Mouse
• 19 in (18.0 in viewable) M992 Monitor
• 128mb DDR ATI Radeon 9700 TX Graphics Card with TV-Out and DVI
• SoundBlaster Live! 5.1 Digital Sound Card
• Harman Kardon HK-395 Speakers with Subwoofer
• Dell Jukebox Premium powered by MUSICMATCH
• MicrosofT� Windows� XP Home Edition w/ Microsoft� Plus
• Microsoft� Works Suite 2003 with Money 2003
• Norton Antivirus� 2003 12-month subscription upgrade
• Dell TrueMobile 1184 Wireless Broadband Router (not quite sure about this one)

I'm not sure if that's the processor I got, or if I got a faster one. And although I know it has a wireless ethernet card thingy (oh, yeah, I know so much about computers) I'm not sure if it's a router. And don't forget that the computer also came with some other crap that we couldn't get rid of. Like a 6-month subscription to Earthlink and a modem. What the hell do I need those for?

Ooo, I forgot that I'm supposed to be at school at 8 tomorrow. Eh.

Actually, technically, it's today, but... yeah.

EEEEE! New computer's here!

Since I didn't have TOK today, I spent fourth period with Nathan and Katsnelson. Quite entertaining. So, that was fun.

Also, Redhead IMed me the other day. I haven't talked to him in about, oh, eight months. So that was rather interesting as well. But, looking back at my old IM's, I think I've grown up a little. I mean, really. Some of the things I said were just stupid. But, hey, I still say stupid things. What do you know.

Oh, more to go on the must-read list: I want to read me some Nietzsche. He's got some interesting theories.

Apparently, dad bought me Akira for my birthday. But, during spring break when I went with mum to Game Stop, I saw Akira, and decided I wanted to buy it. Since I've always wanted to see it, but I never have. So, the other day when my dad's driving me to school we start talking about the anime movies he's seen, and I say, "And you can watch Akira with me, too!" He goes, "WHAT?" all scary-like. Yep. And he tells me he's bought the japanese version, imported and everything. But it's ok now, since apparently they had run out of copies of it. So I won't be getting the imported version from Japan. I'm still going to wait to watch it until my birthday. And until dad can watch with me.

Speaking of anime, kinda. We finally had another japanese club meeting yesterday (I think it must have been about a month since our last one, thanks to the snow) and I show-and-telled my stuffed tonberry and cactuar. Now that was fun. And I also brought in three books, too, the art of final fantasy 9 (like the book, hate the game), How to draw Manga, and this art book of X, by CLAMP. I've never actually seen the series, but my uncle gave me the book for my birthday a couple years ago, when he found out I liked anime. It's got lots of purty pictures...

I've got 17 unread messages at my hotmail account, and all of them are from this one yahoo group I joined. I ended up sending all the emails from the club to my hotmail account, since nobody knows about it, and my yahoo account is my main one. But, I've been thinking that if I don't read them soon, I should just leave the group, since I'm not a particularly active member (I've posted twice) and it's just another thing to waste my time.

But, I am happy! My computer may be arriving today! It's very odd, since when we ordered it we expected it to come about a week AFTER my birthday. But if the UPS info is correct, it should arrive sometime today. Hopefully before 5, since my parents have a ceramics/pottery class, and if the computer hasn't gotten here by then they'll feel obligated to stay so they can sign for it. Because, of course, I can't expect to sign for it since I'm a minor.

current mp3: heavy heart - you am i

Well, I was reading my science textbook in an effort to do that missing homework, and I started reading the section on how DNA replicates itself. Basically, electrical forces form weak bonds between the guanine and cytosine nucleotides and the adenine and thymine nucleotides. Basically, with the way the molecules are structured, net forces on atoms attract only one other type of nucleotide. The other 3 types can't get close enough to form bonds because even if one bond is made, you can't really make another because of the shape, and that's not strong enough to make a nucleotide pair... Erm, at least, that's what I got out of it, and it's likely that I'm horribly, horribly wrong. BUT. The moral of the story is... I got to thinking about Gattaca and if you break up the letters you can get: G AT TA CA. So, G's all alone, but maybe that's just because it hasn't found its matching cytosine. But the CA pair is wrong. It's a mutation. And it says in the book that the chance of an error is 1 in 10⁸, or something, which is 1 in 100 million, right? Eh, but I just thought that kind of was interesting and fit in with the theme of the movie. Clearly, I have gone crazy and am now resorting to doing non-homework homework. Or something.

I walked the dog today and in the process got the mail. So I look, and lo and behold there's my report card. There's only one C, which is good, but I think my parents have this idea that I'm getting all A's and B's. So I've been too scared to give it to them. Partly because I don't want to hurt them, and partly because I want them to keep thinking I'm a dutiful child who actually does her homework, or at least most of it.

I know I'm not going to do anything else. I haven't done anything since 10:45 anyways. So I'm just going to bed. And I'll just think about the good parts of the day, instead of being depressed like usual. Maybe it'll be good for me.

If it didn't take me so long to do homework, maybe I wouldn't hate it as much... I don't know. I probably should have started my homework before 6. But I took a nap and that lasted 3 hours, and before that I wasted an hour on eating lunch, and before that it took us half an hour to get to the car, drop Nikki off, and come home. And then we ate dinner at 9. I don't know... But, what's really sad is in the 4 hours when I was working, I accomplished almost nothing. Let's see. I did 1 and a half problems for chapter 5. Then I did 5 questions for chapter 16. Why the hell is it taking me so long? Maybe I should just give up, but then I'll probably give up on everything and that doesn't do anything for me either. Just makes me feel guilty and incapable of working.

The oncoming car's headlights blind the frightened animal... No, wait, it's not a car, it's a semi...

The Homework I Put Off But Shouldn't Have

• History:
• Von Laue, chapters 1 & 2
• Von Laue, chapter 3
• Physics:
• Chapter 5 problems
• Chapter 16 problems
• Chapter 17 problems
• Lit:
• World Lit Paper
• Reading IKWTCBS
• Spanish:
• The packet assigned over break
• Comp Sci:
• The reading assigned over break
• Math:
• The practice AP test assigned over break

That's right, folks, tonight I have to do all the above items, unless I want to horribly fail the above classes! Note that 6 of my 7 classes are included in the list.

I'm thinking I'll do the lit essay, then the science assignments, then the AP test, then collapse in a puddle. Hopefully I can reassemble myself in time to make an outline of the comp sci assignment and type up a one-page opinion paper. Then read 70 pages of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Then scribble something on the spanish packet. Then work on the history.

I'm starting to think I need medical help, or something... Oh, wait. I have actually already received medical attention. Apparently I'm still screwed.

Gah... I need to do work... I wish I had a way to get some motivation.

Ah, the joys of daylight savings time. Won't it be lovely to feel like I'm waking up at four in the morning tomorrow?

Eh, blech. I've done nothing productive over the break, which is kinda sucky, since there's a whole bunch of stuff I want to do that's semi-productive, if I think about it:

• design website
• read atlas shrugged
• read something by noam chomsky
• read tale of genji
• watch akira
• learn japanese
• write a novel, or songs, or something
• learn to play bass guitar

And I'm sure there's a whole bunch of other stuff, if I could only remember it. Damn faulty memory. And I forgot to eat dinner, too...

I did, however, do some small bit of homework tonight (the only thing I've done all week), so I guess I don't feel quite so scummy. I should, though. I haven't done very much homework lately and I'm sure my grades will reflect it, but for some reason I don't care enough to try and do the work.

Oh well. Interesting moment of the day: During lunch out, my mum dropped a piece of food on my dad's arm, and they both just looked at it. I, having just gotten a mouthful of water but not swallowed it yet, and also thinking this was hilarious, spray all the water out at my dad. He gets soaked. Hooray.

Blargh.

Nikki came over today, which was fun, and we spent 3 hours playing dark cloud. Now I think my head's gonna explode...

Random thought: fanfiction.net is fun.

Tomorrow I really really need to get some homework done. If I don't... it'll be bad... Uh... yeah.

I just noticed I have a new mousepad. It's green, and got one of those squishy things at the bottom for your wrist to rest on. I guess mum must have put it there. Hooray.

The thing that hurts the most is when someone stops caring about you. Sometimes it's mutual but even then you wonder where you lost touch with them, when you stopped noticing, when you stopped caring. It hurts not to care. It's worse, though, when you think someone else doesn't care anymore, and you still do, but you can't express it. That's the worst thing, really, isn't it? And when you feel that you should be able to express it, and don't know why you can't. And don't understand why that person doesn't care anymore. So, it's the fear of being forgotten that haunts us. How could someone forget, when you have not forgotten them? And to love someone, in a way, and know they don't love you anymore. That maybe they once did, but now, you're unimportant, just a fragment of a memory that he'll never look back on again.

And even if you don't know that you'll be forgotten, the fear creeps in. And you can't contain it... That's what it is. Everytime you love someone, everytime you care, and are cared for in return, you know that you will someday be forgotten. Whether they die and forget you in death. Or you die, and they find a new love. Or they move far away and forget you along with the rest of their old life. Or you move, and they remember only those close to them. Or even if you don't have the same lunch period, and you don't ever get to talk anymore, and then you see them in the hall three months later, and you feel like dying inside. Because it's almost a certainty: they don't care. Because it would hurt them too much to still care. So you don't even say hi when you see each other, just deny the importance that either one ever had to the other. And you wonder if you ever really mattered at all, or whether you were ever worth mattering. And you can never speak to that person again, because you know you don't matter anymore and it hurts too much...

Anyway, that's enough rambling for one night. I went to bed too late yesterday (one in the morning) and since I wanted to wake up early today I think I'll go to bed now...

Well, I've gone and bought two more cds. This time it's Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, and Cure - Show, which is live stuff... But, yeah, I don't know, we went out to dinner and then to borders and I wanted to buy some music. So I bought this.

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

1. Fight Test
2. One More Robot/Sympathy 3000-21
3. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt.1
4. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt.2
5. In The Morning of the Magicians
6. Ego Tripping At the Gates of Hell
7. Are You A Hypnotist??
8. It's Summertime
9. Do You Realize??
10. All We Have Is Now
11. Approaching Pavonis Mons By Balloon (Utopia Planitia)

show

1. open
2. high
3. pictures of you
4. lullaby
5. just like heaven
6. a night like this
7. trust
8. doing the unstuck
9. friday i'm in love
10. inbetween days
11. from the edge of the deep green sea
12. never enough
13. cut
14. end

Original capitalization preserved, and everything.

current mp3: home - dishwalla

Blech. My mom's going through something of a crisis lately, and I can identify all too well. She's procrastinated everything and she's so far behind, and she's afraid because it's so much. She pushes it away with playing games, but really, she has to get it done, and when there are distractions it just hurts her. It's painful to start doing the things she has to do, but once she gets over the initial pain, it's ok. But every time she gets interrupted, she has to go through the pain all over again, and she can't take it, so she doesn't do anything.

So, for the past few days I've kind of been restricted from making noise, and such. But really... I'm doing the same thing as mom is. I don't do any homework because it's so painful for me to start it, and I know that I'll always get distracted in the middle, by something... So I don't do it at all, and things start looming over my head, and then I run from them even more. So, yeah, it sucks. At least I know where I get it from, though.

But, apparently I've lost my comp sci homework that I was supposed to do over break. Which sucks. Blech. So, that's kind of depressing. And then there's all the other stuff, the history (5 chapters of von laue) and the spanish (I'm probably missing half the assignments for third quarter) and the science (I still haven't finished the chapter 5 problems, much less chapters 16 and 17) and the lit (I really need to work on that bloody lit paper) and everything else. And it just gets tiresome...

current mp3: pop - la oreja de van gogh

Today's Claire's birthday...

Yesterday was the first official day of spring break, I guess. All I've done so far is play final fantasy, surf the net, and on monday I hung out with Nikki. We went to the game store near target (what is it called? Game Stop?) and saw Nick... Odd. I'm not used to running into people I know outside of school.

This is a lovely song. I heard it on a plane to Mexico last Christmas (not this year, 2001) and I found my notes on it the other day. I had written down all these spanish songs that I'd heard and liked. Like Arrasando by Thalia and Suerte by Shakira... But I thought I'd download some. So, I'm liking these guys, the ear of van gogh.

I thought I had more to say, but I can't remember it now...