the worst part of wonderful

"My name is Jessa, and I am addicted to people."

Hmmm. I love it very much, but it makes me afraid.

I've been burned, in different ways, by different people... it makes me rather wary of certain... things.

Because of him, I am wary of becoming very close to anyone. Because of him, I am wary of falling for anyone. Because of him, I am wary of letting anyone fall for me.

There's too much pain there... perhaps none of them was worth the pain... But I still wouldn't change things. There was joy there as well...

The more I learn about someone, the more I either hate or love that person.

I'm fairly sure that's what will happen here, but part of me wants that to happen.

Sometimes I hate how passionate I am about things...

Fan-TAS-tic.

current song: Jet - Rollover D.J.

Tonight was truly fun.

So I did some of my math homework this morning. I didn't do part of the assignment that was due Friday. It's my first incomplete homework assignment so far this year. More than halfway through the semester? That's pretty good for me, I'd say. At any rate, this actually prompted me to break out my calculus book after class, though I promptly shut it again after realizing that I had screwed up my calculation of phi. Damn spherical coordinates. Peh. However, I thoroughly enjoyed talking to Daniel about random math/computer science problems whilst Jude and Spencer toiled away on our then-defunct project. I definitely need to help with the design next time, so that I can have a bigger part of the project than ONE BLOODY FUNCTION! Ahem.

Japanese... I realized that I did not have time to get my stuff if I wanted to get to class on time. I started heading to my dorm... then remembered that today we were having a written test. I decided it might be in my best interest to arrive in a timely fashion. The test... was good. I think I did well, more or less anyways. I'm enjoying my recently acquired knowledge of kanji (as was evidenced in comp sci class, where I wrote all the characters I could remember up on the whiteboard while I waited for Jude and Spencer and Cam to fix their bugs). And although I did make some feeble attempts to wait for Chris or David or Chandra... alas, I got pretty bored in the last ten minutes after I finished my test. So at around 2:50 I moved out to the hall.. got a drink of water.. Decided it was lame to wait inside, so I moved outside and sat down outside the door.. Decided it was lame to sit outside the door, so I started walking around in a circuitous fashion.. And finally, I spotted Chandra, and was able to ask her how her test went and feel relieved of my duties to talk to people after the test.

I then got lunch and headed over to the engineering center to help out ma homies wit da PROGRAM, yo.

*blink* Ignore the preceeding statement.

Anyways, I actually managed to help Cam with the displaying of the monomials (don't even bother asking), so I felt needed and productive, that was nice.

Then there was class, where I helped a small amount then satisfied myself with pacing about, drawing on the whiteboard and generally harassing my group members. Darrh. Jude looked pretty bored most of the time, too; it was pretty much Cam and Spencer doing all of the tweaking at that point.

We ended up staying an extra hour to further fix the program. I entertained myself by factoring polynomials on the whiteboard.

After showing off our now almost complete program to Clayton, we headed out. I called Amy and got rejected (a halloween party... cause she's too cool to watch anime on HALLOWEEN), then called Cam and t3h Jude and argued about not knowing where to eat dinner. Whenever Cam answered the phone, he'd say "So where are we eating?" and I'd go "I don't know..." and he'd say "Well call me when you decide" and hang up. So I eventually got fed up and said Farrand and then they decided it would be funny if 1) Cam pretended he had bad reception and 2) Jude called me in the middle of my conversation. Haha...

So we ate... and talked about the nature of carbohydrates and fats and such... And Jude went off and Cam and I headed over to anime... Cam sat on the other side of Daniel this time... It's my personal opinion that it was better for both of us. I only got poked once in the whole evening and I managed to get my revenge for Daniel's previous poking. That was, of course, during a boring part of the movie... hey, we all need some ways to entertain ourselves when things are moving a little slowly. *smirk*

And then I got back home, got online, said hello to Chris, and he suggested I come over and play video games. W00t. So he picked me up and we ended up watching Seven with a bunch of other people... Hoorah! Wish I could remember their names, though. There was Alex, of course, Santana, ... Paris.. Paris' roommate (damn, can't remember his name.) and another girl... Meh. Ah well. Was one of them "Jess"? I can't remember now. But Paris is sexy... because he has a swiffer wet jet. Haha. The views expressed herein are not necessarily the views of this blogowner.

And then after the movie, we talked for a bit, and Chris thwacked Alex in the back of the neck with a squoosh ball thingy, and then fled for his life... And then Santana and I played Time Crisis together (two guns mode!), much to Chris's enjoyment, apparently. And then... I came home! And spent half an hour writing this entry. (apparently... o.o) Joy. So now I'm debating whether I want to sleep... or watch Trigun.

Trigun it is!

considerations

It's mine, my own, and no one else will see it.

It's nice to have something private to smile about...

<wryly smiles>

Oh, and, the lunar eclipse was tonight. The last lunar eclipse for, what, 3 years? Nifty. I hope everyone got a chance to at least look at it.

"worlds biggest asshole... but a funny asshole."

current song: Radiohead - Iron Lung

For the entertainment of all:



Because I feel like it, (some of) the highlights of the evening:

EddiePtrsn: Holy fucking shit the god damn Red Sox just fucking won the whole damn thing! WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS! HOLY CRAP!

GreeneThorne: Yippee!
GreeneThorne: Lack of death is a good think in this instance methinks.

goldfenix42: I have a large supply of defensive pixy sticks and compressed CO2.
goldfenix42: and... ah... scissors and pens...

NoSnowInOviedo: for rizzle? gizzle.
kanashii ichigo: gizzle whilikizzle!
NoSnowInOviedo: xizzle
kanashii ichigo: .. ok, i really have no idea about that one.
NoSnowInOviedo: hizzle
NoSnowInOviedo: hizzle hizzle hizzle

penny for a thought

current song: The Stills - Fevered

Hmmm. Various things have happened to set me thinking.

I ran into Ashley McElreath today. We exchanged a few pleasantries - How are you, How's school going, Isn't it so much better than last year? We left and bid each other a cheery goodbye, and all I could think was "How much of that was genuine?"

I can feel the cracks slipping... I've been trained by society to be pleasant, and for a long time I've treasured the paltry social skills I've assembled in my short lifetime. But I think I'm starting to see the downside to social niceties. If you act pleasant, it's hard to tell how much you really mean it. You start feeling empty inside after every exchange.

I don't know if I would have thought this at all if it hadn't been for him. But I'm very glad I did think it. It's terrible, in some ways, but I'd rather see the emptiness than ignore it blithely.

I also saw his post... And I immediately knew what I would do. Which is a bit startling. It lets me know that even adopting it in the first place was a lie. I mean, yes, it was fun... But I knew I would get bored from the first. I was never prepared to stay for very long. The fact that I don't have to anymore - because he isn't going to - is a relief. Which then sets me to thinking - how much of the activities I participate in is for others? Do I want to live my life that way? I dislike the notion of doing things for anyone but myself - but maybe it's not such a bad thing. To do things because of people, because you care about them, does not always mean doing things because someone wants you to do them. If I get involved in different activities because my friends enjoy them and participate in them, does that mean I am doing it because they want me to? I don't think so.

I'm starting to like my philosophy. It's a strange mixture of the philosophies of all the people I've known in my life and maybe a bit of my own added in for flavoring.

I don't want to be afraid of change anymore. I know there was a time in the past when I couldn't stand the thought of changing; but there have been just as many times where I feared that I would never change. But I will change if I let myself, and it will not be for the worse or for the better... It will just be different.

I just have to remember to listen to the right songs and talk to the right people and trust in my own strength. If I survived IB...

I will carry on where others have failed. I will never be like Scott.

I like thinking. I want to read his journal more. But I will write my Kanji list first. And maybe talk online. It doesn't matter that Cam thinks it doesn't count as human interaction. To me, the exchange of thought is more important than anything else I know.

wheee!

current song: Eminem - My Dad's Gone Crazy

Sleep is for the weak! HAHAHAHA!

So I've talked to quite a few people tonight online.

Daniel, Nikki, Amy, Srav, Chris, Chris's roommate, and Kelric, a guy from the forum.

I'm going nuts. But I studied for Japanese and I'm doing OK on the calc lab!

Wheeee!

few complications

You know what's weird? I see Sanchez all the frickin' time. He's in my room right now - talking to my roommate. I swear, they're great buddies. They smoke pot together and hang out a bunch. There's a whole group of "smokers" here. But it's just weird to see the kid and know he's such good friends with my roommate. One of those small world things, I guess?

I cannot, for the life of me, work on this stupid calculus lab. Ritalin is worthless. Bah.

Meh, since I'm not working on my math anyway, I may as well have some fun.

I must say that I am oh-so glad that I have Japanese every day. Hum a happy tune!

behold

Observe the new link in the menu: yes, that is a weblog.

If you're stuck look at the names that come after Eve and before Matt. My, my, what a big range, F through L.

Today was better than yesterday, Sean of the Dead was enjoyable, Amy's halloween outfit is nifty, and Jude's Japanese videos are hilarious. That is all.

edit: Ok, I've attempted to fix ALL my links. Hoorah.

I feel a bit better now after reading Cam's comment. Strange that that's all that takes.

Maybe it's the song too.

And now I've started chewing on the twix wrapper. It's quite satisfying.

boys act too much girls act too tough enough is enough

the endless cycle

Maybe something's wrong with me. I've been noticing it lately.

Like, near the end of the math test, I was reading the math test aloud in my head. Just hearing what it said but not really paying attention. See, when I read written words I'll hear it spoken in my mind. For instance, sometimes when I'm reading a friend's poem or blog entry or something, I'll read it and hear their voice in my head saying the words. So I was reading one of my math questions, and hearing it spoken in a voice that I think I invented myself and that I'll sometimes hear if I'm not really paying attention or I'm in a weird mood.

But the thing that caught my attention was the thought: "Oh, it's just the voices again." And phrased like that, it's kind of a scary thought. It was an offhanded comment, spoken (inside my brain) in an offhanded manner, but it startled me out of my semi-dreamy state into full awareness.

There was also the comment I made to Chris about thinking the right letter and writing the wrong one, or thinking the wrong letter and writing the correct one. He asked if it had something to do with dyslexia. I really don't think I have dyslexia. I've never thought it before, anyway. But both Spencer and Eric said at some point that they think they have mild dyslexia, and it's not anything major, just weird things like reading the wrong thing or in the wrong order.

And when my leg started shaking in Japanese it bothered me. Some part of me was afraid that it was intentional. Of course it wasn't. I've always done it. In fact, I'm doing it right now.

And I keep eating candy, and I think it's because of this damned oral fixation. I always have to fidget or have something in my mouth. It's annoying. It's part of the reason why I bite my nails so much and chew on my pencils. I know it's gross, but it's hard to stop. I guess that's not much of an excuse, though.

Yesterday, of course, I had a wonderful day. And I woke up today to realize that I had no recitation. Delightful. And I even hung out with David and Chris and Compton to study Japanese after class. But as I walked home the melancholy settled in. Eating helped a bit but not enough. I don't want to talk to anyone, really. It was nice to talk to Dad but I can't imagine talking to anyone else. I don't want to surf the net. I don't want to talk online. I didn't go to Kitt. I had to force myself to go to dinner. I didn't force myself to go to lunch. I just barely remembered that I had to do math. If I hadn't thought of it I'd probably just be listening to music and staring into space. It's the only thing I don't mind doing. I was doing it for a while, after getting frustrated by my homework. I just sat, and listened, and started composing this entry in my head. So I thought I'd write it down.

It bothers me that things can change so quickly.

I don't understand how people don't get bored with this. Why does Daniel want to look at my archives? Why does he want to talk to me? Why does anyone? I'm biased, I suppose. Nothing really appeals to me right now. Except for typing out my thoughts, sucking on a twix wrapper, and listening to music.

I'm bored with everything. It's not a pleasant feeling. Of course, I don't really care, as that's the nature of my affliction. I don't care about much of anything. Nothing seems important or fun right now. I was thinking about it for a while, and I came to the conclusion that I dislike this state not because it's inherently bad, but because it makes me uncomfortable. It's not normal. For me, anyways. I think that indifference, in many ways, is a form of death.

Well, the music is an improvement, at least. It helps me keep feeling. Better nostalgic or reflective or even miserable than apathetic.

Hopefully this will pass soon. I know it will, I just don't know when. It's alright. I can wait.

o glorious day

Ah, man. Good day.

Woke up early, browsed the forum (I can see why this stuff is so addicting), had a nice leisurely shower, woke up my oversleeping roomie, surfed the net some more. Just before noon I headed to calc.

Afterwards I had a brief conversation with Spencer and Daniel then ate lunch (it's been so long since I sat down for lunch!) and headed off to Japanese.

I forgot my homework. Ah well.

Afterwards, walked with Chris, then ran up to my room, then ran off to comp sci.

I left in the middle, for twas time for the calc exam.

And I must say... It was a blast. I actually had fun doing a calculus test. Ah, the joys of partial integrals and McLaurin polynomials and double integrals over simple regions (think triangles... haha).

If I didn't do well on that exam there's something seriously wrong with the world in general.

And after that I searched for wireless networks outside (there's a nice one near the music building) and talked to Daniel and Chris online. And then I studied Japanese with Chris (haha... I never get anything done when I'm around my friends. It took about 5 hours to do two assignments). His apartment is pretty nifty. There were plenty of videogames, anime titles, and fake swords (haha! LARP!) to keep me entertained whenever I wasn't working on homework. Heh heh.

Hmmm... methinks I should update my profiles post on my lj account.

And now Pirates of the Caribbean is on. Maybe I should be a pirate for Halloween. Or not.

tee hee

current song: travis - quicksand

I found Daniel's website: GreeneThorne's Realm

I missed out on GameDev's "Game appreciation night"... in order to read and post on Brutesquad.net / OctopusOverlords.com ... Heh. I swear I was planning on studying! But I forgot to bring my notebook and then Cam distracted me and then I wanted to make that introductory post as advised by Chris and then... Hmmm.

But, God, I love being a girl geek.

Ok, finally time to do that math equasions sheet!

I can't wait till Sophomore year when people might actually understand my tshirt...

And the last thing: I can't believe we talked for an hour and twenty minutes. Ah, joy. It's fantastic to be able to hold a conversation for that long.

coche mío

Oh, man. So I bought The Stills' Logic Will Break Your Heart. It's fantastic. I seriously am loving it so far.

But, yes, it's clearly been an exciting weekend. I went to Anime Anonymous with Amy on Friday (and when, during the middle, she left to take a phone call, I relocated to say hi to Daniel). Afterwards I went back to Amy's place (oohlala) where I ate sunflower seeds, watched Fushigi Yuugi and Black Heaven, and molested her pillows (sqooshy!). I woke up around 9, sat around for a while, then headed out to catch the 11 o'clock bus. An hour later, I met up with my parents; we ate lunch at a french restaurant downtown, then headed off to a costume store, guitar center, michael's, ross, soundtrack, and costco. Then we had the bright idea to stop by the toyota dealer on our way home, so that we could try test-driving the prius. After all, my dad reasoned, I'd probably want a car next summer and the Prius had a 6 month waiting list, last he'd checked. So off we went.

We parked in the lot and found, apparently, the only available used 2004 Prius in all of Colorado. Can we test-drive it? my father asked. Of course, replied Bobby, our friendly salesman. So he drives it out of the lot, I take over, almost run through a stop sign, hand it over to dad, and we head back in. And Mom and Dad look at each other and a couple phone calls to Grandma and Grandpa and a few muttered conversations later, we sign the papers and voila! I have a car.

It'll be staying at home with mom and dad, for now. There's no point in bringing it up to Boulder, since I don't have a parking permit, I don't know how to drive between Denver and Boulder, and I still need more practice driving in general. It's got WAY better gas mileage than the SUV, so Mom will probably be using it quite a bit. And if she likes it enough she says she might just get her own. I think my car's safe. It's a good thing black's not her color.

eeeeeee!

I have a new beloved.



I <3 my Toyota Prius

handy al bhed phrases

e ys dra tajem, milevan. ymm puf pavuna sa!
i am the devil, lucifer. all bow before me!

oui yna cdibet, pid e ys y kaheic.
you are stupid, but i am a genius.

cyja ib du vevdaah banlahd eh vevdaah sehidac fedr GEICO.
save up to fifteen percent in fifteen minutes with GEICO.

See what I do with my time? I need help, I tell you.

The word of the day is... chamomile.