penny for a thought

current song: The Stills - Fevered

Hmmm. Various things have happened to set me thinking.

I ran into Ashley McElreath today. We exchanged a few pleasantries - How are you, How's school going, Isn't it so much better than last year? We left and bid each other a cheery goodbye, and all I could think was "How much of that was genuine?"

I can feel the cracks slipping... I've been trained by society to be pleasant, and for a long time I've treasured the paltry social skills I've assembled in my short lifetime. But I think I'm starting to see the downside to social niceties. If you act pleasant, it's hard to tell how much you really mean it. You start feeling empty inside after every exchange.

I don't know if I would have thought this at all if it hadn't been for him. But I'm very glad I did think it. It's terrible, in some ways, but I'd rather see the emptiness than ignore it blithely.

I also saw his post... And I immediately knew what I would do. Which is a bit startling. It lets me know that even adopting it in the first place was a lie. I mean, yes, it was fun... But I knew I would get bored from the first. I was never prepared to stay for very long. The fact that I don't have to anymore - because he isn't going to - is a relief. Which then sets me to thinking - how much of the activities I participate in is for others? Do I want to live my life that way? I dislike the notion of doing things for anyone but myself - but maybe it's not such a bad thing. To do things because of people, because you care about them, does not always mean doing things because someone wants you to do them. If I get involved in different activities because my friends enjoy them and participate in them, does that mean I am doing it because they want me to? I don't think so.

I'm starting to like my philosophy. It's a strange mixture of the philosophies of all the people I've known in my life and maybe a bit of my own added in for flavoring.

I don't want to be afraid of change anymore. I know there was a time in the past when I couldn't stand the thought of changing; but there have been just as many times where I feared that I would never change. But I will change if I let myself, and it will not be for the worse or for the better... It will just be different.

I just have to remember to listen to the right songs and talk to the right people and trust in my own strength. If I survived IB...

I will carry on where others have failed. I will never be like Scott.

I like thinking. I want to read his journal more. But I will write my Kanji list first. And maybe talk online. It doesn't matter that Cam thinks it doesn't count as human interaction. To me, the exchange of thought is more important than anything else I know.