the endless cycle

Maybe something's wrong with me. I've been noticing it lately.

Like, near the end of the math test, I was reading the math test aloud in my head. Just hearing what it said but not really paying attention. See, when I read written words I'll hear it spoken in my mind. For instance, sometimes when I'm reading a friend's poem or blog entry or something, I'll read it and hear their voice in my head saying the words. So I was reading one of my math questions, and hearing it spoken in a voice that I think I invented myself and that I'll sometimes hear if I'm not really paying attention or I'm in a weird mood.

But the thing that caught my attention was the thought: "Oh, it's just the voices again." And phrased like that, it's kind of a scary thought. It was an offhanded comment, spoken (inside my brain) in an offhanded manner, but it startled me out of my semi-dreamy state into full awareness.

There was also the comment I made to Chris about thinking the right letter and writing the wrong one, or thinking the wrong letter and writing the correct one. He asked if it had something to do with dyslexia. I really don't think I have dyslexia. I've never thought it before, anyway. But both Spencer and Eric said at some point that they think they have mild dyslexia, and it's not anything major, just weird things like reading the wrong thing or in the wrong order.

And when my leg started shaking in Japanese it bothered me. Some part of me was afraid that it was intentional. Of course it wasn't. I've always done it. In fact, I'm doing it right now.

And I keep eating candy, and I think it's because of this damned oral fixation. I always have to fidget or have something in my mouth. It's annoying. It's part of the reason why I bite my nails so much and chew on my pencils. I know it's gross, but it's hard to stop. I guess that's not much of an excuse, though.

Yesterday, of course, I had a wonderful day. And I woke up today to realize that I had no recitation. Delightful. And I even hung out with David and Chris and Compton to study Japanese after class. But as I walked home the melancholy settled in. Eating helped a bit but not enough. I don't want to talk to anyone, really. It was nice to talk to Dad but I can't imagine talking to anyone else. I don't want to surf the net. I don't want to talk online. I didn't go to Kitt. I had to force myself to go to dinner. I didn't force myself to go to lunch. I just barely remembered that I had to do math. If I hadn't thought of it I'd probably just be listening to music and staring into space. It's the only thing I don't mind doing. I was doing it for a while, after getting frustrated by my homework. I just sat, and listened, and started composing this entry in my head. So I thought I'd write it down.

It bothers me that things can change so quickly.

I don't understand how people don't get bored with this. Why does Daniel want to look at my archives? Why does he want to talk to me? Why does anyone? I'm biased, I suppose. Nothing really appeals to me right now. Except for typing out my thoughts, sucking on a twix wrapper, and listening to music.

I'm bored with everything. It's not a pleasant feeling. Of course, I don't really care, as that's the nature of my affliction. I don't care about much of anything. Nothing seems important or fun right now. I was thinking about it for a while, and I came to the conclusion that I dislike this state not because it's inherently bad, but because it makes me uncomfortable. It's not normal. For me, anyways. I think that indifference, in many ways, is a form of death.

Well, the music is an improvement, at least. It helps me keep feeling. Better nostalgic or reflective or even miserable than apathetic.

Hopefully this will pass soon. I know it will, I just don't know when. It's alright. I can wait.