hallelujah. it's eleven thirty and i'm finally done with the stupid english essay... aaargh.

well, today kinda sucked. i was kinda looking forward to lunch, because my best friend finally managed to weasel away from her boyfriend for a day so we could eat lunch by ourselves. so, i see her, and we head off to the lunchroom. first mistake: i introduce her to my EVIL friend nathan. they both proceed to tease me about the guy i like. second mistake: we sit at the table. which was just STUPID. i mean, really. i keep thinking about all the things i could have/should have done - not sat with nathan, not moved away from nathan's table, not sat at my crush's table... ok, so we sit at the table, and my so-called friends (i'm still slightly pissed off at them right now, but not so much at my best friend) start trying to direct the topic of conversation in a certain way... you get my drift. which is totally bad. i don't even want to go into it. let's just say i was embarassed, my friends were bored, the guy i like was obviously not happy, the other people at the table were probly annoyed... so lunch pretty much spoiled my whole bloody day! yeah. and i just have to write this down, if i don't, i'll explode. seriously. we're talking spontaneous combustion. and yeah, yeah, i know if the guy i like even glanced at this, he'd know i like him, but since i was almost pissed off enough today to tell him i like him, i don't think i really care right now. so yeah.

ok then. plus, a weird thing: up till this point, almost NOBODY knew i liked him. last year, four people knew: my two best friends, my best friend's boyfriend (grrr... why does she have to tell him EVERYTHING??), and a girl who just asked me in science class, out of the blue, if i liked him (for those who want to know, it was hoai anh...). then, this year, i told my friend stacey, and that stupid nathan kid i previously mentioned. but yesterday, i sent an email to baylee telling HER, then today, i gave her permission to tell claire, then at the lunch table, when my crush was gone, i told alex and ivey... so now half the world knows about it, just on the day when i'm starting to think maybe i don't like him after all... because, thanks to my lovely friends, i'm starting to think that i don't want to go out with him, i never really wanted to go out with him, that all it really is is that i care about him and want to be friends... and now my friends are telling me i should tell him i'm in love with him or something. which i'm not, and never have been. and now, thanks to lunch, it'll be incredibly hard just to be friends with him, cuz now that's screwed up. so, ok. there you go, i think: the day i tell everyone who my "crush" is i find out that i don't really even have a real crush on, to the best of my knowledge, and all my friends are meanwhile demanding that i tell him how i feel, or else they will, but they don't even bloody know HOW i feel and it pisses me off!

in summary. i like my crush as a friend but my other friends insist i ask him out or something, half the world thinks i like him, and i'm probably not even friends with him anymore after today and yeah, it's partly my friends' fault but it's MY FAULT TOO and that's the thing that pisses me off the most!!

ok, there you go. tra la la. back into happy mode.