current mp3: hush - aphrodisiac jacket sometimes i wonder about my friends. i mean, are they really my friends? what is the definition of a friend, anyway? i seem to have so many, if you think about it, but then why am i lonely so much? do i expect too much? i guess everyone feels lonely, most of the time. maybe i should just focus on helping other people not be so lonely. but, really. why do people care? what's the point in caring? it hurts so much to care. like a rock in your chest, or a big pointy stick. heh. everytime you say something, and they don't respond, you wonder what went wrong. what if you say something terrible and make someone you really care about hate you? what if you alienate someone you love by not noticing their pain until it's too late? how do you get them back? do you suppose being lonely is part of the human condition? suppose none of us were ever lonely. we wouldn't want more human contact. we'd lose all touch with people. from a biological standpoint, we would die out as a species because we would never be close enough to anyone to reproduce. or we'd die out, individually, because we can't stand divided. we're a weak species, you know. there are always stories about somebody or other drowning, or getting eaten by bears or wolves or lions or snakes, or falling off a cliff, or something horrible. we need to stick together. so, are we designed to long for acceptance by other humans? is this why we go through such pain? or is it just the unhealthy ones? do most people live out their lives unaffected by the gnawing feeling that nobody really likes them or knows them? is it solely my problem? but maybe the real problem is the fact that i feel too vulnerable to let anyone else really know me. if i strip away everything to show only me, what will be left? will anyone want it? i don't think i would. then, is it possible for me to have friends? am i looking for friends - or am i looking for understanding? and if i am looking for understanding, how will i ever find it if i never let anybody inside my shell? am i willing to make that sacrifice in order to take away the pain? and will it really go away? and is anybody willing to receive what i would give them?