current mp3: romantic / 3rd part - bruckner

yeah, i'm listening to a symphony. the title is in german and very long and confusing. it's: iii. scherzo, bewegt - trio. nicht zu schnell. keinesfalls schleppend - scherzo. wow, lovely.

hmm, more pensive thoughts. i mean, i have it pretty good, don't i? don't i have everything i need or want? i'm utterly spoiled. i don't have medical problems. i'm doing alright in school. my parents are cool, for the most part. i have friends. i understand things. i don't have to deal with the stress of a job or of driving or owning a car or paying my taxes or planning for college, even, because i've already pretty much decided i'm going to boulder. i've seen the campus and it's very nice actually.

so why do i think i'm unhappy when of all people i have the least reason to be so? how do all of my friends deal with the pain of their lives, when i am miserable with what i have? and how can i call myself unhappy? do i even have the right?

i should be grateful for what i have, no? so why do i see myself as being more despairing than my friends? how can i ignore their pain? am i not a good person, to not be able to see that? or is it their choice to not show it? should i also put on a happy front? it doesn't matter anyway because people don't seem to expect me to be happy. they might ask me what's wrong (rarely) and they are never surprised if i seem upset. is it my own selfishness that's dragging me down? but isn't it man's nature to be selfish?

this blog is definitely messed up. it switches from talking about completely insignificant piddling issues to deep philosophical questions? what the heck? oh, well. in a way, that's like me. i always switch from the meaningless instances of happiness to the deep wellsprings of depression. isn't that the way life is? if you think about the big issues, you'll only be disappointed? and that it's better to get your joy from the seemingly insignificant things that make up everyday life?

eh, forget it, i'm just nuts.

still, you can't help but wonder...